Yes! Great post and this is a huge problem. I am NOT a masochist. Personally I am an anti masochist, I am really really really turned off by someone intentionally inflicting pain on me. I see it as someone harming me on purpose. I AM submissive and would love to find a dominant partner – but I can’t. I live in SF Bay area so you would think I could. Finding a dominant non sadist female is nearly impossible.
So then the problem boils down to getting a dominant sadist female that is willing to put limits on themselves during our sessions. This turns out to be very hard. I have ‘hard limits’ which are written and spoken and reviewed prior to any session. So far they have been violated every single time I have had a session. The dominant usually has a very dismissive attitude about these violations. They are sadists after all so it is logical that they don’t feel bad about inflicting pain or marking my body even though those activities are not consensual.
At this point I have stopped having sessions because I can’t find a partner. Not sure what I should do, and it is very frustrating.
I already left a ragey reply, but I’d like to go into more detail and I’d like to publicize my feelings on this bullshit as widely as possible.
It is absolutely never okay to do anything to a person that they didn’t consent to before the scene started (consent alone is not necessarily enough, but that’s a separate post. The short version is that ideally everyone should feel good about what they did after the scene, regardless of what they gave permission for). Sadism is not, never has been, and never will be an excuse to ignore people’s limits. Sadists are human beings, not the kinky version of boner werewolves. We absolutely can and should be expected to control our own behavior or to remove ourselves from situations where we may not be able to maintain control. This is literally the least you can expect from a decent human being.
It doesn’t fucking matter if you’re kinky, you do not do anything to anyone without their consent. The idea that it’s normal or acceptable for sadists not to respect your limits is ridiculous. There is absolutely nothing special about sadists or about any other kinky person that somehow magically makes it okay for them to act like complete assholes.
It just makes me so angry that people have outright lied to this poor guy about what it means to be a sadist. Being a sadist only means that you derive some sort of pleasure (not necessarily sexual) from inflicting pain. It absolutely does not mean that you lack the most rudimentary set of ethics that would prevent you from hurting people without their enthusiastic consent. The word for that kind of behavior is sociopath, not sadist (which is not to say that sociopaths are never sadistic). It is unbelievably creepy to hear that this commentor has been playing with people who don’t see him as a human being and don’t even see anything wrong with their obviously reprehensible behaviour.
What the hell is going on in the kink scene that makes anyone think this is okay? As a community we have profoundly failed Sean, who should never ever have thought it was reasonable for people to ignore his limits. We have failed everyone else who has come into contact with the kind of assholes who ignore people’s limits if they’re not convenient. We may have even failed the assholes in that there is some chance they mean well but have been told that real doms do x, real subs always want y, and not to pay too much attention to what any given person actually says about what they want. I still think you’re a jerk if you ignore the actual human being in front of you in favour of some bullshit you’ve been told about how to treat s-types, but there is a lot of terrible information out there and even well meaning people can fuck up pretty badly if they’re told they need to act a certain way to be acknowledged as a real dom.
Just to be totally clear, here is how a sadist who is also a decent human being behaves when they want to play with someone who isn’t interested in receiving pain for whatever reason: they don’t inflict pain on that person. It’s that simple. Either you negotiate a scene involving some of the many many fun things that don’t involve pain, or you decide the two of you are not a good fit and don’t play.
If you like inflicting pain and don’t care to have scenes without it, that’s totally fine. I personally don’t do a lot of scenes that don’t involve pain because I really fucking like hurting people who want me to hurt them. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have the kind of scene that best suits you, but godfuckingdammit you respect people’s limits when you have that scene.