In which Stabbity continues to rework advice into blog posts 🙂 The first installment is over here if you’re interested.
Last time I talked about really common things new submissive guys worry about, this time I’d like to start with a slightly less common worry. I’m sad to say it’s unusual to see a guy worry about whether it’s topping from the bottom just to ask his partner if she’s interested in doing a particular kink with him. What I’ve usually run into is guys leading with their kinks to the point where I feel like a fetish vending machine. If you’re actually worried about whether you’re being pushy when you don’t mean to be and can conceive of the possibility that your partner isn’t interested in all the same kinks you are, then honestly you’re probably fine.
As well documented as my loathing of being treated like a life support system for a whip is, once you’re actually in a relationship with someone who you treat like a human fucking being, listening to and caring about your desires is pretty much the least you should settle for in a partner. Guys, if your dom doesn’t like you enough to even considering doing stuff you like some of the time, you’re dating the wrong woman! And women, if you don’t like your sub enough to do something that makes him happy once in a while, for fuck’s sake dump him and find someone you do like. Everyone: life is too short to date people you don’t like.
Also, I actually really like it when my play partner gives me ideas. Smart assed masochists with bad ideas are basically the most fun ever 🙂 It’s a lot of work to come up with all the ideas all the time, and I’ve had a lot of fun trying out stuff that I wasn’t super into but wasn’t opposed to because someone I liked wanted to give it a shot. Things you didn’t think you would really like can turn out to be pretty awesome if you get a chance to try them in a low key scene where it’s cool to change your mind at any time. That low key scene where it’s cool to change your mind at any time part is really important, though. If I don’t feel like I have the opportunity to stop doing something that isn’t working for me, I’m going to default to saying no to anything I’m not already sure I like.
Really, it is good and helpful and normal to share ideas about fun things you could do with your partner. Hot roleplay scenes aside, anyone who doesn’t care what their partner wants is an asshole and you should dump them.
On a related note, it is simply not true that there are dozens or hundreds of submissive men for everyone dominant woman. I’ve yelled about that before and I’m going to keep doing it until people get the hint. Awesome submissive men are rare and precious. Your competition for the most part is the miserable douchebags who inspired the rant above about guys treating female doms like life supports system for whips. If you can treat a dominant woman like a human fucking being, spell halfway competently, and make the slightest effort to meet people online or off, you are golden. It is really, really easy to impress dominant women. Other men have already set the bar so dismally low that we’re happy if you just manage not to message us a picture of your dick that we haven’t specifically asked for.
To reiterate the advice from my last post, you are probably going to be fine.