Why I think tribute is a waste of time

Not so long ago I mentioned that I think asking for tribute up front to weed out timewasters is ironically a waste of time. Let’s go into excruciating detail about that like the nerd I am 🙂

Sadly, it’s very common for submissive guys to be contacted by scammers and end up scared of being burned. If you ask for money right away, you make guys afraid that’s all you want from them.

It also makes you look kind of dumb, to be blunt. If you know something is likely to scare off good people who just don’t want to get scammed out of their savings and only work for people who think that because they’re paying you they’re entitled to get the kind of scene they want and you do it anyway, that doesn’t exactly make you look good. Also, if you’re having so much trouble with no-shows, you should be spending less time asking for money and more time thinking about your vetting process. If nothing else, you can at least ask potential submissives to meet you somewhere you wanted to go anyway to make it less of a hassle if they don’t show.

As a little bit of an aside, guys, this is one of the reasons it’s so common for women to ask potential subs to meet them at a munch or other kink event. If she’s going to be there anyway, she still gets to have a good time with her friends if you don’t show, which beats the hell out of feeling like a chump and wasting time making a special trip out somewhere to meet some jackass who stood her up.

And finally, the meat of the problem I have with asking for tribute when you’re not explicitly interacting with people as a pro-dom who is looking to make a living: it blurs the lines between pro and non-pro in a way that’s only going to end with everyone unhappy. Part of the service you pay for when you pay a pro is that when you turn up she is ready to play, ready to play in a way you like, dressed up in fetish gear and happy to see you. When you visit your dominant girlfriend, well maybe she’ll be in the mood to play, or maybe she had a shitty day at work or got some bad news and just wants to cuddle and watch tv. Maybe she’ll break out the fetish gear or maybe she’ll play in her jammies. Maybe she’s into acting out that one fantasy you’ve had forever, or maybe she wants to get out her favourite toy, that one you really hate.

Now, I’m not a pro, so let’s not pretend I have any real expertise here, but it seems reasonable that someone who makes a living dominating people has a vested interest in repeat business. To be fair, I’m pretty interested in my play partners having a good enough time with me to ever come back once I’ve decided to play with them for the first time, but I think it’s a lot easier to tell people you don’t feel like doing x if you don’t have to calculate how much income you could lose by saying that. From what I understand that’s much more of an issue for newbie pros who are still building up a roster of clients and therefore have to worry more about paying the bills than about doing only sessions that work for them personally, but still, I think paying for a session changes things.

Now, there’s certainly an argument to be made that doms put a lot of energy into their scenes and deserve to get something back but there’s a really simple solution there that doesn’t involve confusing people about whether or not you’re a pro: don’t play with douchebags.

And if you’re having that bad of a time getting stood up, take a break, then start being more judgemental 😉 In my experience the majority of jerks do a very bad job of hiding the fact that they think you’re a walking kink dispenser. When I end up pissed off at someone for wasting my time, it’s usually because I gave him a chance when I knew perfectly well it was a terrible idea. Sometimes even I want to believe that people who’ve disappointed me can learn.

Timewasters suck, but I really believe tribute only weeds out people who want to be valued for who they are.

5 thoughts on “Why I think tribute is a waste of time

  1. Thank you for writing this! I agree with and relate to so much of what you are saying here. I can’t tell you how many scammers have contacted me simply because I am a submissive man seeking a domme. It is unfortunate putting yourself out there only to have your time wasted again and again. For me, I want to believe that there will be a time when I take a chance on someone and it will be all worth it.

  2. Whenever this comes up I end up thinking that there must be some non-monetary AND non-sex way of asking a guy to go out of his way for you to make you happy, to gauge his earnestness, if that’s what tribute is supposed to be about here.

    Like–“go volunteer for an hour at a local charity in the next two weeks and report back” or “find an [example of the dom’s favourite kind of public art] in your city and photograph it” or “learn all 15 stanzas of my favourite poem” or something. There can be investments of energy and time that aren’t flat-out cash grabs. And honestly, it seems like it wouldn’t be too hard to come up with something like that where you’d both learn something about each other and have a fun experience. (While also weeding out a lot of the guys who only want you for your whip and your penis-engulfing skills.)

    Idk, likely I’m missing something here, but it’s always what I think.

    • I heard a story once (maybe on Fetlife?) from a man whose dom had a rule that he had to bring her a present each time he visited, with the catch that it had to cost less than $5. He said it was an interesting challenge to keep finding something she would enjoy that cost almost nothing.

      In my experience guys who just want to get laid aren’t terribly patient, it’s been easy enough for me to weed them out by insisting they talk to me like human beings.

  3. from what I’ve observed many guys who bring tribute seem to think they’ve bought and paid for the Domme’s time. Pretty much the opposite of the weeding out that was generally intended.

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