One of many things that drives me straight up a fucking wall is the asshats who insist on posting personal ads along the lines of “I’m a young, very obedient sub looking for a mistress to call me hers.” in FetLife groups that say very clearly in the rules (you know, that bit you have to scroll past to get to the ‘Join this Group’ button?) that personal ads are not allowed.

Honestly, what the fuck do these people think the word obedient means? Clearly it doesn’t mean “Complying or willing to comply with orders or requests”. I guess it must mean “is turned on by the idea of submitting, but just isn’t that interested in anyone else’s needs.”

To digress a little, I realize identifying as submissive is a personal choice and no-one else can tell you whether you fundamentally are or are not submissive, but what other people can say is that you’re so bad at it that they don’t care what you are as long as you stay well away from them. Just like identifying as heterosexual, homosexual, or just sexual in general doesn’t mean you’re any good in bed, identifying as submissive doesn’t mean that you’re any good at it. Bottoming and submitting are skills, and it is possible to suck at them.

Back at my main point, it’s maddening to see man after man completely ignore the clearly stated rules of a group. What’s even worse is when some moron inevitably gets all butthurt about how the dominant women of the group are so terribly mean to all the men who make innocent mistakes, but they seem to be fine with dominant women showing up and making total asses of themselves.

It’s actually quite rare for a dominant woman to show up and act like an assclown. Because it’s rare, people tend to react with bafflement before they move on to utter disdain. Unfortunately, it’s not at all rare for ‘submissive’ men to ignore the clearly stated rules of the group and completely disrespect the women they claim to revere. Because it’s so common, everyone’s ability to be compassionate with clueless newbies just wears away. Pro tip: ignoring simple rules because you’re so much more important than all of the group members who just want to have a civil conversation is the opposite of attractive to dominant women.

Even when we try to be nice and gently explain that posting a personal ad in a no personal ads group isn’t likely to attract any women, these children whine and cry about how we obviously want them to never find a mistress and die alone. When there’s no way to win, we just stop trying.

Yes, we do come down harder on the fifth man this week to completely ignore the rules than we do on the rare women who do it. No, I’m not sorry. I’ll make you all a deal: you try being smarter, and I’ll try being nicer.

Every once in a while some random idiot will find me on FetLife, send me a message full of spelling errors, text speak, and grammar mistakes a fifth grader would be ashamed of, and then get all butthurt about how I didn’t spell out exactly how I want to be addressed in my profile when I point out that writing like that makes him look stupid.

Suck it up, you whiny little children. If you have to be told to spell “you” with all three letters, you’re not worth the trouble of updating my profile. I simply can’t be bothered to put any effort into making things easier for people who think it’s okay to spell like inebriated apes. Since there’s precisely zero chance of us getting along anyway, why on earth would I inconvenience myself? It actually saves me time when I find out that people are idiots right away. And idiots? It saves you time too. With the way you little shits whine and cry about how women lead you on and then don’t put out, shouldn’t you be happy to find out right away that I think you’re a waste of space?

It’s not as if the kind of morons who think it’s okay to use text speak when they’re at a full keyboard would read instructions for contacting me anyway. I could put “don’t use text speak when you message me” in huge, red letters that sparkle and dance across the screen on my profile, and idiots would still ask “how r u?” Plastering my profile with dos and don’t for contacting me would just make me look like a whiner.

People also whine about how I’m such a Meanie McPoopyhead as though it’s some kind of surprise. I have an entire blog dedicated to making fun of stupid people. An entire blog! What kind of moron expects the woman who wrote “Where’s your tiara, princess?”  to be all sweetness and light to someone who can’t be bothered to write complete sentences?

I think it’s the kind of moron who is too fucking lazy to look for clues about how to address someone (and there are plenty of them out there. Try looking at any single one of the thousands of threads about how to approach dominant women) and wants everything spoon fed to him. Now there’s a selling point on talking with someone: “I’m too lazy to think for myself, so you should spell everything out for me so I can ignore it and whine about how terribly demanding you are”. How about you just fuck off? The scene has plenty of idiots, we don’t need you.

Lately, I’ve seen all kinds of whining and crying about maymay’s fetlife proxy. For those who’ve been ignoring the whole thing, maymay’s proxy lets you see any public content on fetlife without logging in. Because, you know, the ‘one simple step‘ signup is such a high barrier to entry and all. And it’s not as if bugmenot already has login information for fetlife.

People, by attacking maymay, you’re just shooting the messenger. I’m not saying you have to like him, I’m not saying he’s never abrasive, I’m saying that all the proxy does is make a huge security flaw impossible to ignore. Ironically, the flaw isn’t even that Fetlife is insecure. The problem is that Fetlife tells you it’s secure when it’s not. To quote Fetlife’s own front page from the ‘Why Join Fetlife?’ section:

2. It’s Secure

We have a fetish for security. That’s why we’re the first social network to be 100% SSL. The same security banks use.

This is what we call a sham. Even if Fetlife’s account security were perfect, it wouldn’t matter. Nothing you put on the internet is every really ‘private’, especially not on a website that tells you your pictures are private when anyone with a Fetlife account can see them. There were only 1,528,331 members at the time I wrote this post, but hey, I’m sure all of them are trustworthy, upstanding kinksters. No need to worry about being the next Cpl Jim Brown.

I even like Fetlife. I like being able to have discussions with fellow pervs from all over the world. I like being able to keep up with what my kinky friends are up to. I just don’t kid myself that Fetlife is a safe place to put face pics or private information.

For fuck’s sake stop crying that the sky is falling when all maymay did is point out the whole left behind when it fell in ages ago.

Tolerance is all well and good, but I think we’ve taken it too far in the kink community. For the most part, YKINMKBYKIOK (your kink is not my kink but your kink is ok) is a good and useful idea. If you’re an adult baby/diaper lover or furry, more power to you. If you like water sports, roman showers, scat, incest role play, rape play, or god forbid mime play, that’s all fine. Everybody  has a right to think whatever they want, to jerk off to whatever they want, and to look for other people to act out their fantasies with. As long as you don’t harm anyone and leave me out of it, go nuts!

Just don’t expect me not to make fun of you if you go around spouting total bullshit. Your freedom to do what you like doesn’t magically negate my freedom to point out that you’re being a complete fucking moron. If your ideas are stupid, I’m going to mock them. If you don’t like your ideas being made fun of, maybe you should try not to say stupid shit where I can see it.

For fuck’s sake, it’s possible for ideas to be wrong. All submissive people are somehow less than all dominant-identified people? WRONG. There’s one right way to be submissive/dominant/a slave/a master and I know what it is? WRONG. A real submissive/dominant/slave/master does X and never Y? WRONG. The closer you get to 24/7 total power exchange, the better a kinky person you are? WRONG WRONG WRONG with a side of kill it with fire.

If your ideas can’t stand up to criticism, they aren’t good ideas. If you can’t explain them to other people, they aren’t good ideas. If no one else comes to the same conclusion, then I hate to break it to you, but your idea is probably not a winner. An idea that turns you on is not magically exempt from being completely ridiculous. If the scientific method is good enough to bring us the computer you’re reading this on, it’s good enough to use to evaluate kink related ideas.

Either we as a community care whether ideas are reasonable or not, or we’re just a bunch of assclowns having a sad little circle jerk.

I declare open season on stupidity. We as a community have a responsibility to at least try to spread accurate, useful information and stand up and say something when people put out ideas that are just wrong.

Some disgustingly lucky people can read in moving vehicles, but I am not one of them. Ever since I finally got a smart phone, I’ve been a huge fan of podcasts. They’re also fantastic when I have a really bad cold and feel too crappy even to sit up and read.

My podcast app of choice is Pocket Casts. It has a nice, clean interface, and you can set it to download new episodes automatically.

The podcasts I listen to are:

Dart’s Domain

In Dart’s own words “This is my series of podcast interviews where I sit down with all kinds of leather and kink folk and have a candid one-on-one about all kinds of subjects. Here you can get a more in-depth experience about what these twisted individuals are about, and hopefully walk away with a greater sense of inspiration in the way I have when I chat with them.”

Dart’s interview with Midori and Laura Antoniou is especially awesome, they’re just hilarious together.

Dead Mech

“Hundreds of years after the zombie apocalypse decimates the world, human civilization has put itself back together again. Their secret weapon against the zombie hordes: the Mechs. Massive robotic battle machines.

But what happens when a mech pilot dies in his mech and becomes a zombie?”

My boyfriend recommended this podcast to me. It’s an audio version of Jake Bible‘s drabble novel Dead Mech, and it’s just too weird not to listen to.

Erotic Awakening

“Each Thursday Dan & dawn bring you an aspect of erotic life – from “how to” sessions by well known instructors; interviews with highly regarded experts and presenters; event reviews from around the nation; to erotic products and kink media.”

For me, Dan and dawn put a refreshingly human face on the M/s dynamic. They’re just charming and chatty and cute together.

Freedom of Fetish

“Welcome to Freedom of Fetish, the fetish advice podcast hosted by Raven Lightholme.  I’ll be your guide through the fascinating, frustrating, titillating, and complex world of sex.  Ask away, whether it concerns the sweetest vanilla to the darkest deviance.  Nothing is too taboo.

I named the show “Freedom of Fetish” to highlight my belief that we’re all entitled to our fantasies, our wants, and our desires, no matter what they are. You have the right to be turned on. Thoughts alone never hurt anyone.”

Freedom of fetish has a mix of advice and interviews that I really enjoy, and I like Raven‘s philosophy that nothing is too weird to even talk about.

GrayDancer’s Ropecast

Graydancer‘s ropecast tends to be somewhat rope themed, but even as a non-rope person I find the interviews interesting.

Kink on Tap

“Tired of the pulp eroticization of sexuality? Annoyed by the self-aggrandizement of sex bloggers? Want a more thoughtful, smarter approach to sexuality, society, culture, feminism, and queer activism? These are the droids you’re looking for.”

Sadly this podcast isn’t updating anymore, but the archives are fantastic.

Masocast

“The Masocast is a New York City-based sexuality podcast that features interviews with people who identify as kinky.  We explore thoughts on BDSM, fetish, how we are shaped by our kink, society and a whole bunch of other…stuff.”

Unspeakable Axe has done some fantastic interviews with dominant women. One of my favourite episodes is a roundtable with four dominant women.

Mistress Matisse’s Podcast

Sadly, this one isn’t updating anymore either but I thoroughly recommend checking out the archives. Mistress Matisse and Twisted Monk answer letters, ramble insanely, and heckle each other, it’s fantastic. If you listen to this one on public transit, be warned that it may cause you to crack up.

PodCastle

“PodCastle is the world’s first fantasy audio magazine. Each week we bring you short stories across the spectrum of fantasy from leading authors and new discoveries.”

Sometimes you just want someone to read you a story. PodCastle has done stories by Cathrynne M. Valente, Garth Nix, and Elizabeth Bear, just to name a few.

Polyamory Weekly

“Poly Weekly is a podcast devoted to tales from the front of responsible non-monogamy from a pansexual, kink-friendly point of view. Every week, Minx and her guests and horde of correspondents report on issues relating to communication, sex, kink, manners, dating, family and time management, with perspectives from all around the globe.”

Poly weekly has all kinds of information about communication and relationships that’s useful whether or not you’re actually poly. Cunning Minx also does lots of interesting interviews.

Savage Lovecast

The podcast form of Dan Savage’s advice column. I’m not saying he’s always perfectly respectful of bi and trans* people, but for the most part the podcast is funny and informative, even if some of the questions he gets asked make me sad about the state of sex education in North America. This one also frequently makes me giggle to myself on the bus.

The Love Bite

“Novice Nancy and Insidious Muse give you an open space to talk about your kinks, fetishes and be your nasty self. With safety, consent and education, you can make some of your wildest fantasies become reality. From ass play to aftercare, listen for a general overview of expanding your sexual horizons.”

I like how much fun the various hosts have with this one. Every so often one of them just goes off on a wild tangent. Again, public giggling warning for this podcast.

If anyone out there has any podcast recommendations, I’d love to hear them.