Like it says on the tin, I went to a women-only play party and I had a fantastic time. I’ve blogged before about how much I resent feeling like my job as a woman (at a party or otherwise) is to be decorative, so it was fucking amazing being at a party where I didn’t have to worry about that at all.

I’m not sure how much of it had to do with not having any men at the party and how much was just the way the organizers ran it, but it was an incredibly relaxed party. Keep in mind that I’m an introvert, feeling relaxed at a party isn’t exactly my natural state 🙂 It was so nice just to hang out with a bunch of other women. I didn’t feel like I was on display or like anyone gave even a fraction of a shit about whether my outfit was hot enough. I can’t even explain how great it was to know that it wasn’t that everyone was too nice to comment on whether I was doing a good job of being decorative, but that nobody cared. At all. It was a complete non-issue.

Another thing that was an absolutely delightful non-issue was women playing with women. I’ve done that in front of men before and I’ll most likely do it again, but I’m always aware that a) as a woman topping, it’s not unlikely that some douchebag in the audience is just itching to tell me I’m doing it wrong, and b) as a woman playing with another woman, some douchebag in the audience (quite possibly the same one) probably thinks we’re doing that purely to make him feel funny in his pants. It’s irritating as fuck to have the weight of other people’s idiotic assumptions on me, and it was really nice to go to a party where I didn’t have to deal with that.

I also had a really lovely scene with a friend where I hit her with different stuff for science 🙂 Or more precisely so she could figure out what she liked since she hadn’t gotten to bottom very much before. There’s nothing not fun about watching people go from “I’m not sure, can you do it again?” to “yes, more please!” Hitting people with things is really relaxing for me in a way I can’t fully explain, too.

As a bit of an aside, since I’m not sure I’ve talked about this before, I enjoy playing with women even though I’m straight. Not all kink is about sex, and my bottom’s gender doesn’t seem to matter in terms of having fun in a scene. What matters to me is that we like each other and they give me fun reactions. I think I’d feel more comfortable playing really hard with a man because I do have some societal hangups about seriously beating on people who are smaller than I am – I’m not exceptionally tall for a woman but I do loom over a lot of other women – but that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun with women.

If you’re a woman I highly recommend going to a women-only party – just check and make sure the organizers know trans women are women because you don’t want to party with assholes. The one I went to was one of the only parties I’ve felt like a first class citizen at and I think everyone should have a chance to experience that.

So I’ve been thinking about Orlando a lot this past week. I didn’t say anything about it last week because I just felt so helpless. I mean, I’m Canadian, it’s not as if US politicians are going to care if I call them up and say “for fuck’s sake fix your fucking gun control laws.” Besides, if those laws were going to get fixed, it would have happened after Sandy Hook.

Easy access to guns is only one of the problems, anyway. I believe the root causes of Orlando were a horrible mix of homophobia, toxic masculinity, racism, and possibly transphobia/transmisogyny. Let’s not forget that the murderer attacked Pulse on Latin night. I don’t know if that was intentional or coincidental, but either way it was devastating to the Latin community. All of these people, all of their hopes and dreams, all of the good they could have done in the world, are gone because some asshole with a gun hated gay people.

I can’t do shit about another country’s gun laws, but here’s what we can all do: tell people it’s okay to be different. Tell yourself it’s okay to be different too. Who does it harm to let gay people, bisexual people, pansexual people, queer people and everyone else who isn’t exclusively straight be who they are? Harming people is what makes someone a bad person, not being gay. Your sexual orientation has all the moral weight of your food preferences: none whatsoever. Being gay isn’t just morally neutral, it’s morally irrelevant. It simply has nothing to do with whether you’re a good person.

Whether you’re gay, trans, non-binary, a furry, a leather fetishist, a pervert in general or completely uninterested in kink, you are okay. If you have sex with strangers, with your friends, with multiple partners, with just one partner, or no one at all, you are okay. If you are asexual, grey-a, demisexual, you are okay. If you are mentally ill, just a little odd, neurodivergent, especially sensitive, socially awkward, you are okay. If you are a total dork, if you go hard when you love a game, a book, a movie, a tv show, if you never want to leave your workshop or your art studio, you are okay.

You are not bad or wrong because you’re different.

Here’s something else we can do: tell men it’s okay to have feelings. Raise boys to know it’s okay to have feelings. It’s not a coincidence that nearly all mass shootings are perpetrated by men. Something is terribly wrong with the way we as a society tell men they have to be and what we tell them the consequences of failing to measure up are. Men die of depression because admitting that you’re having a hard time and you need help is considered “unmanly.” Men hate themselves for being sensitive or nurturing or noncompetitive or god forbid, submissive because those things are seen as “unmanly”.

Guys, it’s okay to not be a robot. It’s okay to tell society to go fuck itself. You have the right to have feelings and be vulnerable. People who tell you otherwise are assholes who aren’t worth your time.

One last thing: fellow straight people, this blood is on our hands. Gay people did not teach the murderer that being gay is punishable by death. That was us. When you see homophobia, call that shit out.

I’ve been seeing a lot of submissive men down on themselves lately and it makes me so sad when submissive men don’t realize how great they are. You are not a dime a dozen and you are not interchangeable!

The men who are interchangeable are the ones who call themselves submissive but think women exist to make their boners happy. Those guys are boring as shit. Men who actually care about their doms and want to make them happy are amazing. You can never be boring when you bring your whole self to the relationship, pay attention to your dom and put effort into making her happy.

Even if you actually do care about women, there are just so many terrible stereotypes out there it’s no wonder submissive men’s confidence takes a hit. How much porn have we all seen where the dom is bored or contemptuous of the sub? How often are men told that a real man is never vulnerable, never hands control to someone else, never has feelings or wants to be wanted? When you see stuff like that all day every day, of course you start thinking that dominant women don’t actually like submissive men, or that if there is a dom out there who actually likes submissive men, you’ll never meet her.

Guys, awesome submissive men who are actually compatible with an individual dom are rare and precious! Just being compatible on vanilla levels like values, life goals, how you manage money, etc is hard enough, finding someone who is also interested in the same kinks, the same sort of power exchange, the same amount of protocol is fucking miraculous. Non-kinky people search for the right partner for years and we all know that’s normal, so why would we think it would be easier to find the right kinky partner when kink makes things so much more complicated? You are not a failure or unlovable if you don’t find the right dom instantly, some people look for decades.

Using myself as an example, I’m a very low key, low protocol, anticipatory service kind of dom. The most perfect high protocol sub in the world would be terrible for me, protocol just doesn’t do it for me. The most obedient sub who waited for orders the most patiently would be terrible for me, I hate giving orders. The most amazing 24/7 “here, take control of literally everything” sub/slave/whatever label they like would be terrible for me, I just don’t want that level of responsibility for someone. People who fit me on a kinky level and who I get along with on a vanilla level are very rare and obviously precious because of it.

And they’re hot like burning too 🙂 Submissive men definitely do not get appreciated enough for how hot they are. In my case, I have trouble putting how much I like submissive men into words. To use a really terrible (and dorky) metaphor, it’s like trying to explain why I like avocados so much. I like avocados because they’re delicious and I like submissive men because they’re awesome. I mean, people who like making me happy? And like being all helpless and biteable? And make great noises when I hit them with stuff? What’s not awesome about all of that?

Submissive men are awesome and anyone who thinks otherwise can fuck right off.

“Yes, Roya” is an erotic graphic novel written by C. Spike Trotman and drawn by Emilee Denich. It’s fucking amazing and you need to buy it right now. To give you some idea what it’s about, here’s the summary from the Iron Circus store:

Wylie Kogan is an aspiring artist, stumping for work in 1963 California. When a fawning fan letter grants him access to his cartoonist hero, the wealthy and celebrated Joseph Ahlstrom, he’s quick to take advantage of a proffered portfolio review . . . but winds up learning more than he ever wanted to about Joe when he stumbles across some of his idol’s illicit fetish art.

His hasty, ill-considered theft of a drawing triggers a series of events he never planned on . . . most of which involve Joseph’s imposing and resolute partner, Roya.

Now let’s talk about my ridiculous and fawning love for it.

OH MY FUCK SOMEONE WROTE A DOMINANT WOMAN WHO FUCKS LIKE SHE HAS NERVE ENDINGS IN HER VAGINA.

You might have gathered from the allcaps that I’m a little bit excited about that 🙂 Obviously not everyone who has a vagina enjoys penetration, and some people who like it okay like other things more, etc, etc, which is no way makes it not absolutely fucking amazing to see a dominant woman depicted as a) liking sex, and b) not appearing any less dominant because of it. The idea that dominant women are only allowed to fuck in certain ways and certain positions or they’ll magically stop being dominant irritates the shit out me. They’re my nerve endings and I’ll stimulate them how I like, asshole. If you think refusing to follow your idiotic orders makes me less dominant, you’re just too stupid to talk to.

When I read “Yes, Roya” I felt seen and more than that, celebrated. Somebody actually created a character who enjoys sex the way I do and thought “yes, this is so hot that I’ll make money by publishing it.” It’s amazing to see something like that in a sea of terrible bullshit where dominant women only exist as props and have no desires of their own.

Also fantastic: she has interests besides dominating people! Considering “Yes, Roya” is an erotic graphic novel I couldn’t have complained too much if there was only enough characterization to set up the smutty parts, but all the characters have interests and goals beyond getting their perv on. Roya and her partners just plain like each other too, which is really lovely to see. It makes me so happy to see a dominant woman character who gets to be a person as well as a dom.

Yes, Roya combines a really cute story with smoking hot porn. Buy it, you’ll love it!