You know what I really enjoy? Spite! Back at the beginning of last year I did an entire week of short posts specifically to spite this one sad bastard who thought that being kinky meant that everything I did was somehow related to me being kinky, because obviously I don’t get to be fully human if I happen make a manchild feel funny in his pants. While I was doing that, I discovered it’s kind of fun to write short posts about whatever I feel like. Enjoy another week of random stuff about my interests, it’s like I think I’m some kind of person or something.

This year, let’s kick spite week off with a few songs I’ve been enjoying recently. Because I am a human fucking being who has musical tastes that have NOTHING to do with my kink.

Sure, the lyrics are kind of repetitive but it’s catchy as fuck.

I just like this song, the way the video makes fun of music videos is a bonus but in no way necessary to enjoy the song.

Speaking of funny, tell me this song isn’t great 🙂

July Talk is awesome and you should listen to more of their stuff.

And one calm song to round things out 🙂

 

So I keep talking about how the only important thing in a scene is that everyone has a good time, and I feel like I should expand on that because what I really mean is that it’s only important that everyone feels satisfied with the scene. Sometimes people want an ordeal scene they don’t necessarily “enjoy”, or an emotional catharsis that isn’t exactly “fun.” Some people enjoy going to really dark places with their kink, and some people feel more submissive when their dom does something they don’t like at all (ex: non-masochist sub taking pain for a sadist).

As long as your scene sucks in a way you’re prepared for and were expecting, good on you. The important thing is you get something out of – you should only feel used in a good way 🙂

It’s kind of counter intuitive, especially if you’re new to the idea, but it’s totally possible to feel deeply satisfied by a scene that you sincerely didn’t like in the moment. Take our theoretical non-masochistic sub whose dom is a sadist, he might be really proud of his ability to take pain for his dom even though he doesn’t enjoy pain or particularly want the endorphin rush that comes from it. I really love playing with people who enjoy pain and are delighted to go there with me, but there’s also something extraordinarily sweet about people who say “I don’t like this thing, but I’ll do it to make you happy.”

To complicate things, people may be satisfied by scenes they didn’t necessarily “enjoy” for many different reasons. Some people straight up enjoy sensations commonly called pain and other people enjoy the endorphin rush, other people enjoy pushing their own limits, other people feel triumphant when they get through a really hard scene, others use pain to get themselves out of their heads and into their bodies, etc, etc. Hell, sometimes people just want to try stuff out and see if they like it. I believe it was Carolyn who said that she defines a masochist as anyone who can use pain to get where they want to go, and I really like that definition. It does mean you need to talk more about what you mean when you say you’re a masochist, but hey, more communication is generally a good thing anyway.

Basically, in case you cared, you have the official Stabbity stamp of approval to have scenes that satisfy you but that you wouldn’t necessarily describe as fun 🙂

Or, more stupid dom tricks.

Something I find spectacularly irritating is when doms think they can give orders to their subs about how to treat totally unrelated people who most certainly did not consent to being a part of their scene. For example, telling your sub he isn’t allowed to look you in the eye unless he asks permission is fine. Telling him he isn’t allowed to look any other women in the eye is douchebaggery. I’m not part of your scene and I don’t care about your eye-contact restrictions.

Even worse is when doms tell their subs what to call other women. If you like being called Ma’am or Mistress or whatever, good for you. I hate being called anything but my name by people I haven’t agreed to use a title with.

I know most guys who say their Mistress told them to do that are lying douchebags, but let’s not pretend doms never pull stupid bullshit to make themselves feel important. Another one of my least favourite stupid dom tricks is telling other people they have to ask permission before talking to their sub. You do you, but I’m not going to talk to either one of you if you pull that shit. By all means tell your own submissive, who you presumably have some kind of agreement with, to ask your permission before talking with people but leave me out of it. I am not your submissive and I don’t take orders from you.

Sometimes people do get weird, porny ideas about how subs ought to behave to everyone and how their behaviour reflects on their dom, so I’m not necessarily saying that you’re definitely an asshole if you give your sub orders about how to treat people who aren’t a part of your relationship, but I am saying that if you think about it for a couple of minutes, it’s very very likely a dick move. By all means tell your sub to be polite to everyone or to always act in a way that would make you proud of their poise and manners, just don’t fucking involve me in your scene.

Unless you’re at the sort of high-protocol party where people actually do care whether your submissive properly follows rigid protocols, I promise you nobody gives a shit how your submissive behaves as long as they’re not an asshole. Nobody who’s not a total douchebag is going to think you’re a bad dom if your sub doesn’t call every woman he meets Mistress.

Granted, I would judge someone for having a sub who was a total asshole, but that’s more of a “wow, you have terrible taste” problem than a “how dare you not train your sub properly!” problem.

To be fair, porn/erotica about worlds where how well you’ve trained your sub really does reflect on you is pretty hot, but come on. Leave the porn at home and pretend you live in the real world. If you want to do that kind of group role play, just look for other people who enjoy that. It’s not the very most common kink but it’s not exactly unheard of either, there really are other people out there you can play with. I hear there are entire high protocol conventions, maybe go to one of those.

Or, yet another one of Stabbity’s pet peeves.

For fuck’s sake, doms are people. Peeeeeeeople. We have insecurities and flaws and bad days and need a little reassurance sometimes JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. It would be great if I could just magically not care about someone’s opinion unless I personally respected them. That would honestly be awesome, but it’s just not how life works.

If you ever need reassurance or to have your feelings validated or just a cup of [soothing beverage of your choice] and someone to make sympathetic noises, YOU ARE STILL A REAL DOM. Being a dom does not, has never, and will never mean that you magically lose the natural human need to be reassured once in a while. It is normal to feel shitty or uncertain sometimes and honestly, it takes a braver person to admit that and ask for help than it does to hide it. Doms are allowed to need comfort!

Once more for the people in the back: DOMS ARE ALLOWED TO NEED COMFORT. You are allowed to ask people to stroke your hair and tell you that the thing happening to you sucks even if you’re a dom.

While I’m at it, it’s smarter to ask for help when you’re having trouble with something (do as I say and not as I do and all that) than it is to muddle through on your own. Your problems are not unique, somebody else has been through similar things and even if their advice isn’t right for you, they can at least offer you something to think about. And you know, if you’re wondering if you’re the only one dealing with a problem, other people probably are too. Speaking up helps all of you, so consider it a public service if that’s what helps you ask for help 🙂

Why would you fumble around alone when someone else might have a solution that works great for you? Is being the perfect domly dom supposed to be more important to me than getting shit done? I’ve worked with people who stumble around doing things the hard way when they could have just asked for advice and it’s incredibly fucking irritating. You don’t look smarter or more resourceful when you refuse to ask for help, you look like a douchebag who thinks their pride is more important than solving a problem. As the dom, isn’t it your job to set a good example? Wouldn’t you want your sub to ask for advice when they didn’t know what to do?

If anyone ever tells you a real dom would never ask for reassurance, tell them to go fuck themselves. I have nothing but contempt for the idea that being a dom means I don’t also get to be a person.

More things new submissive men should probably know! This time, let’s talk about limits. Your limits are normal! Nobody will be surprised or freaked out by your limits, nobody will immediately stop speaking to you because of your limits (unless they’re a total jerk you wouldn’t want to keep talking to anyway). Your limits do not mean you are destined to die alone.

The most common limits I see submissive men get very very worried about are chastity, financial domination, forced feminization, and never being treated like a partner, not just a kinky plaything.

Chastity is not even slightly unusual as a limit. It is not even a tiny bit weird to not like chastity. My theory is that because new submissive men haven’t yet learned to recognize bullshit when they see it, they get the idea from porn and liars (I’m all for writing fiction and talking about your desires, but if you don’t make it clear that’s what you’re doing then you’re a liar) that chastity is a much more common kink among dominant women that it actually is, and that they take it much father than they actually do.

In every discussion I’ve ever seen about chastity, the vast majority of women who commented either didn’t care for chastity at all, were only interested if their partner was interested, or were interested in much milder forms of chastity than the guys who were worried about never getting to orgasm again were thinking of. It’s not that there are no women who enjoy long term chastity, but they aren’t nearly as common as worried submissive guys seem to think. Guys, women just don’t care anywhere near as much about your dicks as you wish we did 🙂

Also, “chastity” is not just one thing, it’s pretty broad spectrum of activities. Extreme long term chastity is on that spectrum, but so is playfully teasing your boyfriend for an evening before having passionate sex that night. So is telling your partner to ask permission before he masturbates and frequently granting it. Giving a woman control over your orgasms doesn’t mean you’ll never have one again, just that she’s in charge of when, where, and how often. Don’t forget that you’re allowed to negotiate. No kink is all or nothing, you’re allowed to try things out just for a little while and decide whether or not you like them.

Financial domination isn’t a remotely unusual limit either. And it should be at least a soft limit, it would be incredibly foolish to give someone you just met access to your bank account. Like chastity, there are many different things that can all be called financial domination depending on how you define it. There’s the frankly scammy looking combination of humiliation and financial domination where doms tell submissive men that they aren’t worthy of their attention and are only good for emptying their wallets, but there are also total power exchange relationships where the dom makes all the decisions, financial and otherwise, relationships where the dom and sub agree to play only with amounts of money the sub can afford to lose, relationships where partners role play but would never even consider financially ruining the sub, etc, etc.

The probably-scammers out there looking for “pay pigs” are pretty obvious and therefore easy to avoid, so let’s talk about being afraid to give up control of your finances in a long term relationship with your dom. Having control of your own money is a pretty basic part of being an adult, of course it’s scary to think about giving that up. And unlike letting someone else decide how you dress or where you go for dinner, losing control of your finances can permanently harm you. Of course, a simple rope bondage scene can cause permanent nerve damage too, so it’s not as if financial domination is the only risky thing we perverts do.

Because giving someone total control over your money is so legitimately dangerous, no reasonable person would ask you to do that without spending literal years building trust. Talking about eventually wanting to have a total power exchange relationship that includes control of both partners’ money is very different from actually doing that when you’re both ready. Not to mention total power exchange is far, far from everyone’s kink. I, for example, can in no way be bothered to run my partner’s life – I expect him to stay on top of that so I don’t have to worry about it. I’m far from the only dom who doesn’t even want that level of responsibility, people who are interested in total power exchange are definitely the minority. In short, don’t worry that your potential dom wants your paycheque, she probably doesn’t care 🙂

Forced feminization/sissification/whatever is another kink that people seem to think is much more common than it actually is. Some women do enjoy their subs making themselves pretty for them, and a few somehow seem to be able to deal with the cognitive dissonance of using the clothes they wear every day to humiliate their sub, but like with chastity, most of us either don’t particularly care or are only interested if our partner is into it. Mod note: if I wanted to keep trying to convince misogynists that misogyny exists, I would have left comments on my forced feminization post open. Spare me the whining about how your kink is totally not misogynist because it makes you feel funny in your pants, I’ll just ban your dumb ass. This post is about reassuring submissive men that their limits are not weird and will not lead to them dying alone, at least try to stay on topic.

Anyway, not wanting to wear feminine clothing or act like a sissy is not weird and not a deal breaker for the vast majority of doms. Honestly, guys who don’t want that are a refreshing change. It’s not weird to dislike such a polarizing kink, anyone who acts like it is is a jerk you don’t want to deal with anyway.

Finally, wanting to have a balance of kinky funtimes and have a loving girlfriend who snuggles with you on the couch and brings you soup when you’re sick is totally normal. Guys, you’ve gotta set down the porn and talk to actual dominant women 🙂 Check out forums like submissive men and women who love them and you’ll see that the vast majority of dominant women want a kinky boyfriend who they can cuddle with on the couch and who will bring them soup when they’re sick instead of freaking out that a dom ever has an off day and who they can get their kink on with. If you want to act like a reasonable human being, not some sort of kink-obsessed robot, great! That’s what most women want too and can only help your chances of finding a compatible dom.

TL;DR your limits are normal and having limits, particularly totally normal ones, will not cause every dom you meet to pass you up in favour of some sad dormat who says (lies!) he doesn’t have any limits.

While I’m at it, I think the reason submissive men get so worried that having limits will scare off potential doms is because of that stupid fucking myth that there are 10+ submissive men for every dominant woman. Guys, people who say that there are approximately a fuckton of submissive men for every dominant woman are calling this miserable waste of space a submissive man. If you’ve bothered to read this post, you can definitely trip over that bar so stop worrying about how few dominant women there supposedly are 🙂

Readers, are there any other common limits you’ve seen people worry about that are actually total non-issues?