Another one from the search terms! What I assume this person wanted when they searched for “domina advise wife” was “domina, tell my wife how to dominate me.” What I’m actually going to talk about is what I wish vanilla women knew about domination.

First of all you don’t have to do shit that you don’t fucking want to. Not only do you not have to try domination at all, ever, even a little bit, but you don’t have to do a goddamn thing you don’t personally enjoy.

Husband wants the porn dominatrix look? Too fucking bad unless you get a kick out of it.

Husband wants a weekend long heavy impact play heavy bondage heavy verbal humiliation scene? Lolno. Not gonna happen.

Husband wants you to “dominate” him and won’t tell you what that means to him? And then complains that you’re doing it wrong? He can fuck right off.

Domination absolutely does not mean that you have to do a bunch of shit that doesn’t turn you on, makes you feel ridiculous, feels like a chore, or feels like you’re acting out a scene for your husband and being pressured to pretend that you’re in charge when you’re not even slightly in charge. Domination is about what you want. If you like getting your way, there is something for you in domination.

And to be clear, you absolutely do not have to want to be in charge every minute of every day forever to enjoy domination. When my brain gets tired or I’m too hungry to make a decision, I ask my husband to make a decision for me. That’s completely normal, no one can make all of the decisions all the time forever and it is not even slightly fair to ask that of someone. You are allowed to have bad days and get sick and get terrible news and need your partner to take care of you for a little while. Doms are allowed to be human.

You are also allowed to be any kind of dom you damned well feel like. You can 100% be the icy porn dom if you want to, run with it if that’s what does it for you! But you could also be a sensual dom – you don’t have to have any interest in pain whatsoever to be dominant and to take charge. You could be a giggly happy sadist like me. You could be a dominant little, a dominant kitty, a queen, a boss, a seductress, you can be nurturing, you can be strict, you can be tricky or completely straightforward. You can enjoy bondage or not care for it at all, you can love using toys or just your hands and teeth, you can use your voice to get inside your sub’s head or never say a word during a scene, you can love inflicting pain or never want to raise a hand to your partner, you can do whatever works for you.

Obviously you can’t do whatever you want to your partner without regard for their wants and needs, but you don’t have to do a single thing they want that does not do it for you even a little bit.

You don’t have to be good at it right away, either. Literally nobody is, if they tell you that they’re a liar and not even a good one. It’s completely normal to feel uncertain, out of place, or like you don’t know what the hell you’re doing when you first start dominating people at all and/or when you start playing with a new partner. It’s normal to worry that you’ll screw up or lose your train of thought or whap yourself on the ear with a whip or get the tails of your flogger all tangled up. Again, doms are allowed to be human.

It’s also okay to try to have a scene and discover that you just can’t tonight. It’s okay for things to fall apart in the middle and to decide you’d really rather eat some icecream and cuddle on the couch together. It’s okay to need aftercare even if you’re the dom/top/sadist. It’s okay not to want to do it all again right fucking now, you’re allowed to take a break and/or to not want to get your perv on every single weekend. It’s okay to try something and find out it just doesn’t work for you.

You are okay and what you want is okay and the way you like to dominate/top is okay. If what you like doesn’t work for your husband, you are still okay.