My friend weezie wrote me a guest post, yay! This is purely weezie’s opinion, but I thoroughly agree with it. Weezie is more d/s focused than I am, but it’s still frustrating to me that femdom is so often depicted as being all about dicks and the things you are or aren’t doing to them. I like dicks as much as the next person (probably more), but there is actually more to kink. At least, I want to believe there’s more to kink than that.
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Is it just me, or does the typical FemDom presence on the planet seem shallow and cheap?
You’d be hard pressed to find a single collection of images, interviews, articles, or books that doesn’t make the cock (artifical or otherwise) the central star of the story. When did everything become about dicks and not about d/s? I’ll agree that kink is indeed about sexual energy, but that doesn’t mean that everything has to be focused on wangs. And yes, chastity devices still count as focusing on wangs. Quite heavily in fact.
I think we can all agree that FemDom porn is particularly terrible. I’d say the majority of it actually depicts topping-from-the-bottom, and that makes porn particularly easy to pick on. But it’s not just porn that’s suffering from this. It seems the obsession with sex is infecting people and personalities too. Conversations always seem to revolve around bedroom activities. When any sort of submissive activities are brought up (say, washing the car) it’s always referenced in terms of sexual punishment/reward that would follow from such an activity. Why? WHY?!
Maybe it’s just me. I’m into personal connections. Personal meaning within kink. Adoration, submission, and finding pleasure in that. Sex is nice too, but I get all mushy inside when I see people loving each other. Want to see my favorite pornographic image of all time? Shield thine eyes, it’s pretty HARD CORE:
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmx0owRZuk1qa0fqho1_500.jpg
(Thanks to Dishevelled Domina’s tumblr feed – which is all about cocks ironically enough)
Bam. That image conveys more meaning, more comfort, and more submission than a visceral image of a pain-slut getting wax dripped on his cock and “hating” it.
I think the argument goes something like this: If a submissive is willing to take a dozen lashings, or engage in CBT, or even go into an orgasm-denial full-time-relationship, that “proves” the submissive loves his partner and is willing to devote his body and life to her.
News flash: HE PROBABLY LIKES THOSE THINGS. See that stiff cock in all of those circumstances?? Do Dominants really truly believe it’s all about them and not about his dick? Does he cuddle? Does he nuzzle their neck without prompting? Does he respect and devote time to you when sex isn’t on the table? Can he hold an intelligent conversation???
Sigh. Maybe I’m just a bit frustrated. I do know it’s incredibly hard to find anyone that even understands what I’m talking about here, never mind agree or be able to discuss it. Maybe I just need a new word – “FemDom” seems broken.
That picture is so wonderful it almost made me cry. I’d actually be hard pressed to say who was submitting to whom in it, except in as much as two people who give themselves to each other in love are both giving and receiving at the same time. Anyway, thanks, for this post and this blog.
I keep refreshing this page to see comments, so I figure I might as well leave one of my own.
I’m definitely one of those people who *would* be comfortable in FemDom if it appropriately reflected my attitudes toward men. I wholeheartedly love my boyo, and he is seriously pain-averse. According to the pretty leather-and-pvc picture of FemDom, I’m SOL on the D/s front because I neither think of my boyo as a worm beneath my soles, nor can I smack him without him /actively/ hating it (and not pretend hating it). What is a dominant woman to do?
A: Make shit up as I go along, apparently, which is what I have been doing for 10+ years. Maybe my version of femdom is harder to portray because it’s snuggly, sweet, and not easily wrapped up into a single stereotypical image. I’d have to depend on snapshots of intimate moments like the picture you shared.
I don’t even own a whip, and I sure as hell can’t take a picture of my dynamic in any way that would register to man who thinks that being a S&M bottom and living a wormy fantasy is submission.
Okay, first, I want to point out my Tumblr isn’t ALL about the cock :p
http://dishevelleddomina.tumblr.com/post/7625076720/mmm-collar-and-leash-not-always-on-my-hot-list
http://dishevelleddomina.tumblr.com/post/7578400407
http://dishevelleddomina.tumblr.com/post/7535190081
http://dishevelleddomina.tumblr.com/post/7526224867
http://dishevelleddomina.tumblr.com/post/7526062540
and those are just from the first bit!
and while I do agree to some extent with your overall statement I want to point out that it is completely valid for me to be enthusiastic about cock.
The number of voices in my life discouraging my interest in cocks is… unbelievable! The fundamentalists of my youth, the mommy club (being too tired, too annoyed, and too bitchy is all fine, but being interested in, or even more unbelievably, ENTHUSIASTIC about cock earns nothing but puzzlement or disdain), the icy femdom training manual explicitly forbids it, and now, NOW I am being chided by you too?
Et tu, Brute?
I like cock, dammit! And I like that it turns him on when I smack him around and drip wax on his cock! I also really like it when he makes me a cup of tea, or makes a midnight run to the store for me to pick up dessert just because I mentioned I’d like some pie, or when he irons my slacks for me, or cuddles with me. I like that he will interrupt a project to give hugs and kisses when I want them. That relationship, that love and intimacy, is foundational to our relationship. If I didn’t have that undoubtedly the cock stuff would be… well, it would be different.
So I guess I’m saying, yes, in my case, he DOES nuzzle me, respect and adore me no matter what else, and he can hold a very intelligent conversation, and if I felt he were topping me from the bottom, and trying to make me behave in a cock-centric manner to suit his desires I would feel very different about it,
but…
he doesn’t, I just LOVE HIS COCK.
I don’t think he takes what I dish out because he loves me, I know he does it because it’s fun, or hot, for both of us. Of course it’s about his dick, and it’s just as much about my c**t too.
I also know he loves me, and I love him too.
I also like my porn, not all porn, a very specific sub-selection, and yes, some of it shows cocks, and women doing stuff to them. Stuff I enjoy doing, or enjoy thinking about doing.
For me, context is critical, it can’t be ALL about his cock, and what he wants me to do to it. That would be… anti-femdom, and it does seem to be what a lot of idiots are emailing women and requesting.
So I do agree with you that there is some brokenness in how femdom is portrayed, but
dammit,
I’m all conflicted now, because I don’t feel like we are arguing opposite points here but somehow I end up with that I have to defend my femdom cred since I like to collect cock photos and that sucks.
I’m completely willing (obviously, I did have that photo posted too) to say that snuggling is legit d/s but please don’t dismiss the cocks… they are awfully fun.
I think your frame of reference has a big say in it. Context is the biggest determiner.
For example: Porn has a horrible time, because for all we know the characters *really like* wearing pvc and leather, and really truly have their own specific kink about topping from the bottom. That’s cool. I can totally respect that. But when that porn vid is labelled “”**HOTT GUY ABUSED BY HIS 18YO WIFE 19YO 20YO XXX BLOWJOB RIMJOB HOT TRUE SUBMISSIVE**”” I just shake my head.
Porn is so easy to pick on BECAUSE they specifically don’t try to establish context; they just go for the money shots.
Now, when I frame that as a “porn problem” I’m sure you understand what I mean. My argument here is that it’s not limited to porn. PEOPLE have the same problem. When I got to munches, it’s never about personality or kink or anything, it’s about sex. Just sex. Always sex. Never anything more.
And that’s what frustrates me.
(and for the record: “Cocks” are a placeholder in my previous rant for “All sexual equipment for either gender” :))
if I felt he were topping me from the bottom, and trying to make me behave in a cock-centric manner to suit his desires I would feel very different about it,
but…
he doesn’t, I just LOVE HIS COCK.
😀 😀 😀
Often, I make my bf come stand in front of where I’m sitting so I can kiss him on the penis. The last time I did this, I was like “I feel like it’s weird to identify as dominant when I’m stooping down to kiss your cock ten times a day.”
And he replied, “If you were doing it for me, maybe it would be a submissive act. But you’re doing it for you.”
He is a smart boy. I’d gotten so caught up in society’s ideas of what D/s is and what the significance of the penis is that I was overlooking how much I flat-out love my boy’s smell/taste/texture. I’d be all up in his junk even if it didn’t happen to be the place he orgasms from. And it’s always me demanding this, not him asking for it. So there you go. 🙂
@DD I love that first link you posted *so* much. They look like actual normal people having fun!
That’s exactly the part that makes me cranky. I really, really like cock, but I resent the idea that, for example, I *have* to lock up a guy’s cock in order to make service interesting to him. I have this vision of service as purely (well, mostly. I might also have a thing for sexual service) an expression of affection and respect for the relationship dynamic. Something about the idea of a guy doling out services solely to purchase some sexual stimulation from me just leaves me cold.
There’s a whole other rant coming about the idea that female doms are supposed to be so uninterested in sex that we only grudgingly dole it out in order to keep the footrubs and menial labour flowing. Also the idea that giving head is an inherently submissive act needs to be beaten into the ground. Doing something I enjoy on its own that also happens to get really fun reactions is in no way submissive.
YAY!
I am looking forward to that rant because it is another point we are in agreement on.
I actually have been working on a draft of a post that touches on that topic as well, but as a sub-point, not the primary focus.
I love reading your rants.
😀
“I *have* to lock up a guy’s cock in order to make service interesting to him. I have this vision of service as purely (well, mostly. I might also have a thing for sexual service) an expression of affection and respect for the relationship dynamic. Something about the idea of a guy doling out services solely to purchase some sexual stimulation from me just leaves me cold.”
First off I want to point out that chastity play is another one of those kinks that’s way over represented I think. You won’t catch me asking any gal to throw a lock and chain around my junk.
Also, as much as I want D/s goodness getting all over the place, using sex as a bargaining chip, or as payment for services rendered throws me off, If she’s doing it to please me cause I painted the deck or cleaned the shutters (whatever it is husbands do) it just seems so ugh, boring.
If that’s what Femdom is, then isn’t just about every sitcom couple in a Femdom relationship?
Something about the idea of a guy doling out services solely to purchase some sexual stimulation from me just leaves me cold.”
using sex as a bargaining chip, or as payment for services rendered throws me off,
I’ve written about this (more than once) before. While some men find this a hot fantasy “I need you to lock me up so I can be a better husband, take out the trash without being asked, cook the dinner, do the washing up, etc.”, the idea of “sex for chores” is way too close to “sex for money.” And for some reason, most women get offended when you offer them money for sex, but they aren’t supposed to be offended when you offer them chores?
Just sayin’
I love that image! My girlfriend/mistress holds me like that and we stay that way for hours… just feeling as one and being affectionate to each other. It’s wonderful.
A big part of the problem is that porn isn’t exactly known for accurately representing real, healthy relationships. Femdom porn is not an accurate representation of femdom in general any more than vanilla porn is a representation of long-term happy vanilla couples.
Plenty of things that happen in femdom porn can and do happen in real-life scenes, but the relationships themselves are (generally) not like that 24/7. In reality, the guy doesn’t stay locked in a cage every night and wear nothing but a collar for years at a time. But cuddling and intelligent conversation don’t make for porn movies that sell. Porn consumers want wank fodder, and that’s what the porn companies deliver. Porn is not an accurate representation of reality.
The knowledge of femdom I have from my experiences and the experiences of those I know locally is much different than femdom porn, though some individual scenes can look similar to it. There are plenty of loving relationships where both people are getting their needs met and warm fuzzies abound.
Hi Stabbity, meant to say hello, enjoying your blog!
Few things – I rather like my hub’s penis. I’m not threatened by it, I dont think it’s the source of all Male Dom power and I lock it up because he looks well sexy in his jailbird and he enjoys orgasm denial. Is that Fem Dommery or just us married folks having fun?
Secondly – he doesnt get sex for chores. He gets sex when I feel like. He does chores because they need doing and a happy wife in a tidy house beats a moaning old bag too tired for sex after cleaning. Is that Fem Dommery or just us married folks being practical?
Thirdly – every once in a while, I dress up and parade around with a crop like a woman out of his fantasy. It’s great fun, I am not demeaned by it in any way and we have a lovely night in. Is that Fem Dommery or just us married folks creating our own amusement? (by the way, I also beat him dressed in my old dressing gown too – that’s just as fun)
Fourth – hub loves breast bondage and occasionally, I let him practice on me. Am I letting my Domme sisters down in some fundemental way?
Nope – we’re just getting on with our lives, having fun, communicating and looking at porn for nothing more than some interesting ideas. If folks would just chuck the labels away and stop getting so bound up (heyyyy, good pun)in ready-made expectations they could get on with being all lovely and fuzzy and getting featured on Tumblr pics.