There’s a very clear dress and behavior code for dominant women and I hate it so much that I made the tagline of my blog ‘And I’ll play wearing fuzzy slippers if I damned well want to!’
If you’ve ever watched any female dominant porn, looked at a prodom’s website, or generally not lived under a rock for the past few years, you know the dress code consists of:
high spiky heels
skin tight clothing
a scowl (very important)
No matter how often people tell me they think knee-high black leather boots with 4 inch spike heels look great and turn them on, I simply don’t feel very toppy when my feet hurt and my footing is uncertain. You try throwing a flogger when you’re worried about falling over on your ass and tell me how confident you feel.
The dress code for dominant women has nothing to do with what actually makes those women feel toppy, and everything to do with porn producers trying to appeal to straight men. This image of female domination actively turns women away from the idea of kink because so very few women can actually relate to it.
The behavior code is even worse. Not only am I expected to dress up in uncomfortable clothing I don’t necessarily like, but I can’t even appear to have fun dominating someone. In most porn (at least, most porn that I’ve seen), the dom treats the sub with utter disdain, referring to him as a pathetic little worm who isn’t worthy of fucking her. It appears to be a trial for the dom to even be in the same room as the sub.
How is that hot? And why on earth would I bother playing with someone if I didn’t think he was worthy of me? Again, this presentation of submissive men as worthless and disgusting turns women away from kink. It took me years to figure out that I was dominant because I couldn’t make a connection between myself and these women who didn’t even appear to like the people they were dominating.
Until I started reading forums frequented by actual dominant women with lives and hobbies and real affection for their partners, I never realized that it was possible to be a dominant woman who actually liked her partner, and dressed in what she felt comfortable in, and didn’t spend all day barking orders at everyone around her.
As ranty as this post is, it’s actually meant to be a message of hope for all the women out there nurturing a secret interest in kink. You can do this too. You can do it your way – you don’t have to look a certain way, dress a certain way, act a certain way to be allowed to play. Kink is not just for people who are taller than you, thinner than you, more conventionally attractive than you.
You don’t have to play any particular way either. Your kink still counts if you don’t want to beat people bloody. Your kink still counts if sometimes you like to beat people bloody and sometimes you like to be more gentle. Your kink still counts if you like to laugh while you play. Your kink still counts if you like to make your partner laugh while you play. Your kink still counts if you like doing things that your partner likes too.
Kink is for everyone, dammit!