Goddess, Lady, Mistress

Or, things I really fucking hate being called.

There are two main reasons I so passionately hate being called by anything but my name. One, it proves you haven’t been paying attention, and two, it’s creepy and gross to act like we have a d/s dynamic when we don’t.

I understand the fear of making a bad impression by not being respectful enough, but come on guys. It is not that hard to figure out what title a woman might want you to use, if any. All you need to do is read her goddamn profile. If you can’t be bothered to do that, then why the fuck are you messaging her in the first place? When people call me Goddess or Mistress, I know they have no interest in me as a person because there is nothing in my profile that makes me sound like I have any interest whatsoever in high protocol or grandiose titles. The only reason I can think of that someone would call me Goddess is because that title turns him on and he really doesn’t give a shit what I think of it.

If English isn’t your first language or you’re not great at picking up social cues, it’s always fine to ask people what they like to be called. If someone reacts badly to that, they’re the jerk, not you.

However, you are the jerk if you whine and cry about how I haven’t put detailed instructions for contacting me on my profile. If you want strict rules right off the bat to the point where you don’t have to think for yourself, you should be grateful that it was so easy to figure out that I’m not the right dom for you. I do not owe you the opportunity to trick me into thinking we’re at all compatible when clearly we are not.

What I really don’t understand is what people get out of using titles with people they don’t have a d/s relationship with. Not only is it tremendously creepy to decide for me that we’re in the type of relationship where you call me by a title, but I just don’t understand what’s so great about calling some random woman Mistress. Without some sort of personal relationship behind it, all you’re really doing is slotting some woman you don’t know into a role in a fantasy you’ve already created. If that’s all you care about, buy a blowup doll and leave me out of it. I am a  person, not a prop and you can goddamn well ask for my consent before you start a scene with me.

Calling me Mistress or Lady or Goddess or whatever when we haven’t sat down and negotiated titles is no more appropriate than it would be for me to start ordering people around because they’re submissive. It may be less rude, but it’s certainly not cool. Even I did like being called Goddess, that wouldn’t mean I was your Goddess.

Finally, and this only applies to a couple of titles in particular, I hate it when people presume to use a title that belongs to someone else. That is, there is a particular thing my boyfriend calls me and that title belongs to him and him alone. When other people use it I just want to slap their hands and tell them “No! Drop it, that’s not yours!” Hey, I didn’t say it was rational 🙂 It’s less of a risk than my two main reasons, but I can’t be the only one who doesn’t like anyone else using an endearment that I’ve decided belongs to my partner.

Now if only there was some way to make the people who need to read this actually do so.

6 thoughts on “Goddess, Lady, Mistress

  1. I see exactly where you’re coming from with this. I find it incredibly presumptuous to assign a title to someone until it has actually been agreed upon. I would also have a difficult time referring to someone as “Goddess ” in any case as I find that to be a completely cringe worthy title.

    I figure that common courtesy, and finding out if there are any possible mutual interests, or attraction would be the way to go when first meeting anyone new. For me, kink doesn’t even enter into the equation until some sort of basic relationship has developed first.

    • For me, kink doesn’t even enter into the equation until some sort of basic relationship has developed first.

      Exactly! If I haven’t even started to get to know someone, there’s really no reason for me to care what titles he likes using.

  2. most sub guys are not interested in seeing the domme as individual. they are after a concept they learned from porn and that concept is called “goddess”, “mistress”, “lady” or whatever. they want you to play the part of this porn woman to please them. anyone will do, so no need to bother learning your name.

    this, among many other things is why femdom ends up being nothing but a pale imitation of maledom, where the subs truly respect and look up to their doms. unfortunately female doms can never experience this respect.

    • femdom ends up being nothing but a pale imitation of maledom

      I don’t even. Did you seriously just say that on a female dom’s blog? Are you just stupid or are you going to try to blame that bit of incredible douchebaggery on being socially awkward?

      unfortunately female doms can never experience this respect.

      Wow. How about you go outside and play while the grownups are talking.

      • I agree completely, but I think you may have misunderstood darkvenus. I believe his (?) post was a failed attempt to point out that such men have no respect for women, and it was their viewpoint that was being offered instead of his own. In essence, the kind of guy who calls you goddess on his first message is objectifying you in the same way as maledom, and therefore will never respect you. I could be wrong though.

        To get back to the post at hand–I don’t refer to women I don’t know by any other name than their handle (online) or given (in person). If I feel the atmosphere calls for respect, I’ll use Ma’am for women, and Sir for men. They are acceptable in the vanilla world, so less presumptuous. I reserve Mistress and Master only for intimate relationships.

        That’s my two cents.

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