Spite week: fall!

I love fall, it’s my favourite season. I love the crispness in the air, the way the leaves change colour, and getting to wear cozy sweaters again. As much as I’m a huge wuss about being cold, it still bugs me less than being too hot. At least if I’m cold I can put on a sweater, if I’m too hot I just have to live with being sweaty and stinky.

Direct sunlight not being as overwhelming is also pretty great – I’m kind of light sensitive and even with sunglasses direct sunlight is uncomfortable for me. In the summer I spend a lot of time hiding from the daystar.

Fall drinks like tea, mulled wine, and hot apple cider are fantastic too. And pho! I freaking love pho, but it’s just not the same when it’s hot out. Not to mention bourbon, which I also love but is not exactly a refreshing summer drink (that said if you do have refreshing summer cocktail recipes with bourbon I’d love to see them).

Where I am it’s still only kinda sorta almost fall but it’s getting there!

Spite week: Diablo III

You know what I haven’t done in a while? Spite week! Being the spiteful creature full of spite that I am, I love writing random posts that have nothing to do with kink just to rub douchebags noses in the fact that I’m person with hobbies and interests and thoughts and feelings that have nothing to do with their boners.

So let’s talk about Diablo III. Because it got iffy reviews back when it first came out I didn’t buy it right away (that and my Steam backlog is quite bad enough already), and then I just forgot about it for ages. Recently I had some downtime and wanted a game where I could run around smashing things and not have to think too hard, and hey, that’s basically what the whole Diablo series is for 🙂

While the game was totally worth the $20 I paid for it (which included the Reaper of Souls expansion), but I’m not sure I would’ve been happy about paying full price for it when it first came out. Diablo III is really pretty, but so is Path of Exile. The story wasn’t bad, but the skill tree is really rigid and limited, which just bugs me. In D3 you can only use one skill at a time from each group, which is really irritating if you like two skills from one group and don’t particularly care for any of the skills from another.

Grumbling aside, there’s nothing not fun about smiting demons with two giant swords. And if you like necromancers (and want to shell out another $14-I-think for the Rise of the Necromancer expansion), D3 has the corpse explosion spell from D2, which is obviously still awesome 🙂

If you liked D2, you’ll like D3. If you didn’t like D2, then definitely skip D3 because it’s basically D2 over again with prettier graphics.

Yeah, actually, women like porn: part 1 of many

Today’s thing-that-irritates-me is the idea that women don’t like porn. We fucking love porn, we just don’t like shitty porn that has apparently been designed to be as alienating to us as possible. One of the things we like is fanfic, which is largely written by women for women.

Before I get into specific fic recommendations I want be clear about fandom etiquette. If an author wants constructive criticism, if they want to hear about typos or what doesn’t work in their story or whether their characterization was off, they will fucking tell you. If they do not specifically ask for that kind of feedback, then you have two choices: you can be nice or you can be quiet. The world will keep turning if you don’t hassle some poor fanfic author about a fucking typo. And no, it shouldn’t be necessary to say any of that but there was a thing a couple years ago and people were dicks and damned if I’m going to let that happen to some of my favourite authors.

On to the porn! Today I’m going to recommend a bunch of fanfic by astolat, who is awesome and extremely prolific, and conveniently gave blanket permission to link to her work.

Only Begotten. This one is a delightfully filthy crossover between the TV shows Lucifer and Damien. Fair warning, this contains technically-incest-I-guess (does it really count if it’s between imaginary divine beings and they didn’t know the other one existed until they were adults, though?) between Lucifer and Damien. Oh and it involves a lot of gay sex, if you hadn’t already guessed.

A person might reasonably ask why I started by recommending a fic containing incest (even technically-incest-I-guess). I’m trying to make a point here: woman are filthy perverts and we like fucked up porn and we write fucked up porn.

Also I think it’s funny. Possibly my sense of humor is a little weird. And I really do just like that fic, it’s a really nice blend of filthy porn involving some very pretty men and serious emotional satisfaction. It’s really not going to have the same impact if you haven’t watched those shows (although I’ve only watched Lucifer and thought this fic was pretty fucking great), but if you have, oh man. Lucifer of all people swearing never to abandon Damien? I am so here for that. And Chloe yelling at Lucifer for being a pervert even though she doesn’t believe he’s actually Damien’s father? Hilarious, it’s so great.

Fealty. This one is a Person of Interest fic. This one has more d/s themes, and it’s a bit of a slow burn but definitely worth it. Again, serious emotional payoff in addition to the porn. There’s a very, very clear reason you should care that these two men in particular are having sex, which immediately puts it head and shoulders above the majority of mainstream porn.

Mercy, a Stargate Atlantis fic. This one has some d/s themes too, which is obviously my jam 🙂 There’s not an enormous amount of plot, but that’s really not the point now is it. It does, however, rely on knowing who the characters are to each other for emotional impact.

Oblivious, another Stargate Atlantis fic. This one isn’t especially porny, but there are some fun sex scenes and it’s worth reading just for the last line. Seriously, read it.

Blooded Crown, a videogame fic this time. This one comes from The Witcher 3, which I haven’t played yet but who knows if I’ll ever get to it, so don’t worry too much about not spoiling me in the comments. Anyway, in this fic Geralt and Emperor Emhyr have quite a lot of inventive sex as part of a clever plot to thwart another clever plot to kill Emhyr’s heir. Aside from the porn, which is totally worth it, it’s a lot of fun seeing Emhyr being clever and Geralt being grumpy about it and also good at killing things. All of astolat’s Witcher fic is great, but that one is my favourite.

Give those a read, have a look at the numbers of hits and massive numbers of comments on the more recent fics and tell me again how women just don’t like porn.

Promoting a blog

Don’t worry, my site hasn’t been hacked 🙂 Some time ago a reader asked me how to promote a kink blog because he had a site he was trying to get off the ground. I took a couple of days to think about that because I’ve never deliberately “promoted” my blog but I certainly get more views now than when I started, and of course promptly forgot all about that poor reader’s question. For, uh, months. Sorry reader!

So now that I’ve finally remembered, I figure I can get a blog post out of this. There have got to be at least a couple people out there who would like a little more traffic on their blogs, right?

First of all, I get an average of 300 views a day, so let’s not pretend I’m an expert 🙂 If I were to put ads on my blog (which I’m way too much of a control freak to ever do), that would probably make me around zero dollars.

With that disclaimer out of the way, there are some things I’ve done that I think helped and some things I don’t do that I bet would help if I could be bothered to do them.

My biggest tip is to have something to say. Without that nothing you do will ever get you much traffic. Whether you like my blog or not (and honestly if you don’t like it why are you here? Go do something fun, there’s an entire internet out there!), you can’t say I don’t have opinions. Don’t start a blog because you feel like you should or because all the cool kids are doing it, or because you want that sweet sweet ad revenue (not only is that kinda douchey, but ads pay really badly these days), do it because you like writing and have something to say.

As for getting more traffic:

Comment on other people’s blogs! If you enjoy their blog, it’s entirely possible their readers will like your blog too. Leaving interesting comments (seriously, don’t comment for the sake of commenting, people can tell when you’re effectively selling something) really will make at least some people click on your name and see what you have to say on your own blog. Plus it builds your reputation – the more interesting comments someone sees from you, the more likely they are to eventually click that link and see what’s going on at your blog, and the more interesting comments the blog owner gets, the more likely they are to say yes if you ask if you can write them a guest post.

Post regularly! Do you go back to blogs that haven’t published a new post in months? No? Then why should your readers? This part is wild speculation, but I think people are more likely to get attached to reading your blog if you show them you can be trusted to keep at it. Also, the more you post, the more chances you have for one of your posts to get noticed by a more popular blogger or shared around a lot on [insert social media site here], which will really drive up your traffic at least for a little while and probably gain you some new regular readers too.

Part of posting regularly is picking a schedule you can stick with. I’m a slow writer, that’s why I only post once a week. If you can do more without burning out, great! I believe that’s a good way to get more views – the more posts, the more chances for one of them to be really popular, and the more incentive people have to come back regularly. But if you can’t post three times a week without hating the sight of your site, dial it back.

Comment on discussion sites! I do this one very intermittently, and don’t have any stats to back it up, but it seems reasonable that leaving interesting comments / starting interesting discussions on a site like fetlife/reddit/etc would lead to more people checking out your profile (or clicking on a link in your signature if you’re organized like that 🙂 ) and finding their way to your blog.

Automatically announce new posts on social media! I’ll give myself half marks for this one, I have wordpress set up to post to my twitter and tumblr when a post goes up, but I basically never remember to post a link on Fetlife.

Have multiple ways for people to get updates! Some people like RSS (no it’s not dead), some prefer email updates, some like seeing updates in their twitter or tumblr or facebook or whatever else feed. Jetpack has subscribe by email and RSS feed widgets (for both posts and comments), all you have to do is connect the Jetpack plugin and drag those widgets into your sidebar.

As for things that are probably a good idea that I don’t do for varying reasons:

Have an active twitter/tumblr/insert social site media here! And by active I absolutely do not mean relentlessly shilling for your blog, I mean posting like a regular human being and interacting with other people like a person and not some sort of terrible robot that exists only to nag people to read your blog. I hardly ever post anything on twitter so I’m failing pretty hard on that one.

Link to your posts more than once on social media! Not everyone is online at the same time of day, more people are going to see your tweet or whatever if you post it a couple times at different times of day, or even a few times over the course of a few days. Your feed has to be pretty active for this to work, though. If it’s not then your twitter is a) boring, which drives readers away, and b) looks like nothing but ads for your blog, which also drives readers away.

Participate in things like elust and blog challenges! These can drive a lot more traffic to your blog if you get featured, and tagging your posts on social media with the challenge hashtag can help people find your blog too.

Guest post on other people’s blogs! Just writing for mine is quite enough work for me, but if you have it in you to write more posts (or the other blogger doesn’t mind you publishing the same post on both blogs) then you can probably persuade some of their readers to come read you too.

Get interviewed / guest host on podcasts! I love podcasts but I’m pretty awkward about talking with people I don’t know well (writing is a lot easier for me, which I’m sure comes as a huge shock), plus I don’t have access to a decent microphone and am way too picky about good quality audio to let anyone publish a recording of me done on a shitty builtin laptop mic, so podcasting isn’t for me. If it’s for you, it’s one more way to get yourself in front of people who might not have ever heard of you otherwise.

That’s all I’ve got. Readers, do you have any other tips?

If you don’t want to top from the bottom, don’t

Every so often I see threads started by men who say they have terrible trouble not topping from the bottom when they play. It will surprise nobody that I’m bored by that shit. They usually phrase it as needing a super mega dominant woman to “tame” them, or needing some fearsome punishment to make them behave. Guys, that’s complete fucking bullshit and you’re wasting everyone’s time.

And no, nobody is impressed with how “alpha” you are. What you’re telling people when you say that you can’t stop yourself from topping from the bottom is that you’re bad at submitting. Being bad at your part of a d/s relationship isn’t exactly a selling point.

It’s not about needing a stronger willed mistress or some magical punishment method that will somehow make you into a decent human being. If you don’t want to top from the bottom, don’t. Seriously, what’s stopping you?

If you need the scene to go the exact way you want it to or you won’t have any fun, welp, there’s a word for that and it’s not “submissive”. Like I’ve said before, dominant bottoms exist. I don’t even think there’s anything wrong with being one, it just irritates the shit out of me when men try to order dominant women around when they know we’re fucking dominant. You’re allowed to run your scenes the way you want to, you just can’t do that and say you’re submissive. Fucking admit you’re a dom and stop bothering dominant women.

Alternately, maybe you’re scared of really giving up control but you don’t want to admit you’re scared so you fixate on whatever your poor partner is doing “wrong.” As I control freak myself I get where you’re coming from 🙂 If that’s the case you’re probably going to want to find a kink friendly therapist, though. If your partner is extraordinarily patient you could try taking baby steps toward actually giving up control by having short simple scenes and gradually stepping it up as you get comfortable, but honestly I think therapy would be more efficient.

And of course, I can’t rule the idea that you’re just a bratty fucking manchild who can’t stand it when reality isn’t just like your fantasies. I can’t help you there, you’re just going to have to grow the fuck up. Some people really are happier fantasizing about kink than they are doing it, maybe that’s how it works for you.

No matter what is actually going on with you, saying that you can’t stop topping from the bottom is a lie. You goddamn well can, you just don’t want to put in the effort.

Fuck beauty

You Don’t Have to Be Pretty. You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female”.

Erin McKeanA Dress A Day

Fuck beauty. Fuck the idea that women have to be decorative, fuck the idea that’s all we have to offer, fuck the idea that anyone, anywhere, anytime, gets to demand that we look the way they want us to. And especially fuck the idea that physical beauty tells you anything about how worthwhile a person is.

Physical beauty is nice, I’m not saying it’s not. And I’m not saying you shouldn’t be interested in clothes or makeup or jewelry or generally getting fancy either. I’m especially not saying you don’t have the right to turn someone down for a date because you’re not attracted to them.

What I am saying is that if you can’t be bothered to speak to a woman who doesn’t give you a boner, you can fuck off forever.

Also, not everyone is fucking beautiful. Can we stop insulting people’s intelligence by telling them they’re beautiful when they know perfectly well they don’t fit the standard of conventional attractiveness? Not everyone is equally beautiful just like not everyone is equally tall and both of those things are equally unimportant when you’re not looking to get laid.

What’s actually helpful is doing your best to set the entire concept of beauty as worthiness on fire. So fucking what if you’re not pretty, the purpose of your life is not to be decorative. Are you kind? Do you go out of your way to help lost tourists? Do you give to charity? Are you a good cook? A good writer? Can you run a marathon? Paint a picture? Keep a project on track? Fix a car? Have you had interesting adventures?

All of those things are about a zillion times more important than whether you can make some rando feel funny in his pants.

Porn vs f/m

Many many dominant women complain a lot about how much femdom porn sucks and how men who watch too much of it end up with ridiculous ideas about what they can expect from dominant women. To be clear, most femdom porn is fucking awful and men who probably weren’t all that bright in the first place do get ridiculous ideas from it. That said, there is such a thing as porn women actually like and it’s not just the lack of realism that makes so many of us hate average femdom porn so much.

Porn for women is a thing. Have you ever read a romance novel? No seriously, have you read any? If you have, you know where I’m going with this 🙂 Yeah, women are fucking filthy. Some romance novels are really explicit. No, more than that. They’re full on porn, just in words instead of pictures. And no, they’re not realistic, that’s entirely beside the point.

Here are the two three big differences between porn that women actually like and porn that women can’t fucking stand:

  1. The women in romance novels are relatable – sometimes they feel uncertain, unsure of themselves, they occasionally have flaws and bad days and make mistakes
  2. Romance novels answer the question “why should I give a fraction of a shit that these two people are fucking?”
  3. At least some romance novels aren’t openly insulting to women.

That’s pretty much it. High bar, huh.

Oh if you want to be picky there’s usually something at least vaguely appealing about the male love interest. Why yes, women do experience desire. We just don’t experience desire for stupid bullshit that someone who has never spoken with an actual woman thinks we’re probably supposed to want, he guesses.

If you want to make porn that doesn’t send women screaming, read a fucking romance novel. I’m not saying none of them are profoundly fucking problematic, of course they are. Read a few of them, and look for commonalities. One of the big things you’re going to see is some actual emotions. If I don’t care about any of the characters, I sure don’t care that they’re fucking. It’s also nice if the characters actually seem to be attracted to each other and having a good time while they’re getting it on.

One of the things I hate most about shitty femdom porn is the baffling popularity of bitchy ice queen doms who don’t seem to be having any fun. If I was having that bad of a time slapping a guy around, I would call red and go home to play videogames. Seriously, you want me to relate to a woman who clearly wants to go the fuck home and put her feet up? Okay I do relate to her, but not in a sexy way. If I’m going to watch porn rather than read it, I prefer gay porn. I’d even rather watch maledom porn most of the time because at least everyone is willing to fake being happy to be there.

One of the things I find most insulting about the majority of femdom porn is the idea that I’m supposed to believe that a woman who clearly takes no personal enjoyment whatsoever in what she’s doing is actually in charge. No dude, if she was in charge she’d be doing literally anything else. That annoys me so badly I had to go back up and change my two big differences between porn women like and porn we can’t fucking stand to three big differences.

It is honestly not that fucking hard to make porn women like, the problem is that to do that you have to believe women are people and frankly that’s a bridge too far for many, many men. If you believe that we’re people, then it follows that our wants and needs both exist and matter. If you start from there you can’t help but make porn women like. Only a subset of us, of course, because we are not a motherfucking hive mind seriously what does it take to get that through you fucker’s heads, but you will undoubtedly make stuff women like if you start by assuming we’re people.

And the next time you hear about how much women hate porn in general or femdom porn in particular, just mentally translate that into “shitty porn” and “openly insulting femdom porn.”

“domina advise wife”

Another one from the search terms! What I assume this person wanted when they searched for “domina advise wife” was “domina, tell my wife how to dominate me.” What I’m actually going to talk about is what I wish vanilla women knew about domination.

First of all you don’t have to do shit that you don’t fucking want to. Not only do you not have to try domination at all, ever, even a little bit, but you don’t have to do a goddamn thing you don’t personally enjoy.

Husband wants the porn dominatrix look? Too fucking bad unless you get a kick out of it.

Husband wants a weekend long heavy impact play heavy bondage heavy verbal humiliation scene? Lolno. Not gonna happen.

Husband wants you to “dominate” him and won’t tell you what that means to him? And then complains that you’re doing it wrong? He can fuck right off.

Domination absolutely does not mean that you have to do a bunch of shit that doesn’t turn you on, makes you feel ridiculous, feels like a chore, or feels like you’re acting out a scene for your husband and being pressured to pretend that you’re in charge when you’re not even slightly in charge. Domination is about what you want. If you like getting your way, there is something for you in domination.

And to be clear, you absolutely do not have to want to be in charge every minute of every day forever to enjoy domination. When my brain gets tired or I’m too hungry to make a decision, I ask my husband to make a decision for me. That’s completely normal, no one can make all of the decisions all the time forever and it is not even slightly fair to ask that of someone. You are allowed to have bad days and get sick and get terrible news and need your partner to take care of you for a little while. Doms are allowed to be human.

You are also allowed to be any kind of dom you damned well feel like. You can 100% be the icy porn dom if you want to, run with it if that’s what does it for you! But you could also be a sensual dom – you don’t have to have any interest in pain whatsoever to be dominant and to take charge. You could be a giggly happy sadist like me. You could be a dominant little, a dominant kitty, a queen, a boss, a seductress, you can be nurturing, you can be strict, you can be tricky or completely straightforward. You can enjoy bondage or not care for it at all, you can love using toys or just your hands and teeth, you can use your voice to get inside your sub’s head or never say a word during a scene, you can love inflicting pain or never want to raise a hand to your partner, you can do whatever works for you.

Obviously you can’t do whatever you want to your partner without regard for their wants and needs, but you don’t have to do a single thing they want that does not do it for you even a little bit.

You don’t have to be good at it right away, either. Literally nobody is, if they tell you that they’re a liar and not even a good one. It’s completely normal to feel uncertain, out of place, or like you don’t know what the hell you’re doing when you first start dominating people at all and/or when you start playing with a new partner. It’s normal to worry that you’ll screw up or lose your train of thought or whap yourself on the ear with a whip or get the tails of your flogger all tangled up. Again, doms are allowed to be human.

It’s also okay to try to have a scene and discover that you just can’t tonight. It’s okay for things to fall apart in the middle and to decide you’d really rather eat some icecream and cuddle on the couch together. It’s okay to need aftercare even if you’re the dom/top/sadist. It’s okay not to want to do it all again right fucking now, you’re allowed to take a break and/or to not want to get your perv on every single weekend. It’s okay to try something and find out it just doesn’t work for you.

You are okay and what you want is okay and the way you like to dominate/top is okay. If what you like doesn’t work for your husband, you are still okay.

Of course you can be confident and submissive at the same time

This post is inspired by one of those questions I’ve seen online that I just cannot compute. The answer to the question, which frankly doesn’t need repeating, is that of course you can be submissive and confident at the same time. Submission is about handing control over to someone you trust, and confidence is about knowing you have value and are good at something. If you’re reading this and can’t understand how those two completely separate concepts contradict each other, then I feel better because I don’t get it either.

Submissive men who actually give a shit what their partners want are rare and precious, of fucking course they should feel confident that they have value and not settle for any old asshole. Seriously, read basically any post on this blog about how easy it is to impress dominant women. If you are willing to pay attention, listen to what a woman wants, and actually do those things (or honestly tell her that doesn’t work for you, you get points for that too), you can hold out for just the right dom.

To be fair, simply being submissive can be a real knock to a man’s confidence. It’s hard to believe in yourself when the whole world seems to be saying that you’re being a man wrong. On the other hand, it takes tremendous confidence and strength to look at everything society tells you about how to be a man and say “No, I’m going to do it my way.” I personally see submission as masculine, but I understand how it can take some work for submissive men to change their own definitions of what’s manly.

I don’t hate it if someone feels a little vulnerable, a little unsure exactly what’s going to happen when they’re tied to something and I’m standing behind them with a bag of toys, but a scene is not a relationship! A scene is not your whole life! And frankly, if you submit out of insecurity you are bad at it!

Not only can you be submissive and confident at the same time, but you need to be both to be any good at submitting. If you want to be my sub (or for that matter my friend) you have to make my life better, not worse. If you’re so crushingly insecure and self-loathing that you “submit” because you need someone to tell you what to do, you’re making yourself a chore. Running my own life is quite enough work, I have no interest in running yours too.

Also, putting up with seriously insecure people is boring as shit. Not only can I not fill the hole inside you, but trying is just tedious. Needing a little reassurance now and then is perfectly normal, but when every conversation is one long, painful attempt to convince you that you’re okay, I’m going to decide I’d rather watch paint dry than talk to you. While I’m at it, it’s pretty insulting to imply, if not outright say, that I’m wrong to find someone interesting/worth being friends with/attractive, so don’t do it.

Your sexual tastes/how you like to run your relationships have nothing to do with you believing that you have value and are good at things. For example, I’m a dom. That in no way makes me better than anyone else and it doesn’t automatically make me good at things. All being a dom means to me is that I really like getting my way. How does that connect in any with with whether or not I’m good at stuff? Being good at dominating people is something to be proud of, and so is being good at submitting to people, but simply having the desire to dominate or submit just doesn’t tell me anything about how good you are at running your life.

Speaking of running your life, I think being convinced that submissive people can’t be confident is a sign you don’t have nearly enough going on in your life. It’s a lot harder to convince yourself that you suck when you do something you’re good at on a regular basis. On the other hand, if you spend all your free time sitting around thinking about how much you suck, of course you’re going to feel terrible. You’ll feel a lot better if you can break the suck cycle, I promise.

Finally, it’s worth repeating that being submissive in no way means you can’t be confident. It’s just not even related and submissive people are great anyway!

Do your research

Not so long ago I saw a post in that one Fetlife group I like about how bluntly telling people to do their own research isn’t very helpful and that people who are just starting out might not know where to start doing their own research. And just recently I saw a couple more threads from people who supposedly wanted to learn how to be good subs/how to find a relationship/some vague form of guidance but couldn’t be fucking bothered to do the tiniest bit of research on their own, which finally annoyed me enough to finish this post off and publish it.

Yes, lots of people want “guidance” or “tips” or “do’s and don’ts.” But here’s the thing: I don’t care. Bitch, you do in fact need to do your own fucking research. Seriously, you’re in the submissive men and women who love them group and didn’t manage to read a single fucking sticky? They. Are. Right. At. The. Top. Of. The. Page.

Honestly, if you are on Fetlife, you have access to some sort of computery device. That means you also have access to, wait for it, waaaaaaaait for it, GOOGLE. Fucking google it you lazy little shit. No seriously, you can directly fucking google stuff like “how to approach dominant women” or “what is a d/s relationship like?” and get some really useful results. Oh, you can’t absorb information that wasn’t told directly to you? Fuck off. Don’t come back until you actually want to learn and don’t pretend that your utter refusal to read anything that doesn’t start with @yourname means you are in any way willing to learn.

If you want to be spoon fed, fucking pay someone. Hell, I’ll google things for your lazy ass and send them to you with your name at the top if you pay me enough. You have to bring something to the table if you want people to put any real effort into helping you, and a boring question we’ve all seen a thousand times already is not enough unless it’s accompanied by cash.

That said, it is totally okay to read the goddamn stickies and not immediately understand every detail. Just for the love of god tell us what you’ve read already and what part of it you didn’t understand. Do literally anything to prove you put the tiniest amount of effort into learning things on your own and we will meet you halfway, but you have to put in that tiny scrap of effort first.

If you aren’t willing to try because it’s haaaaaaard and you’re lazy and useless, then congrats, you will never have a dom of your own! Do you think “Waaaaaahhhhhhh! Waaaaaaaaahhhhh! But that’s haaaaaard and I don’t wanna!” will fly in a relationship with an actual dominant woman? Honestly, what do you think happens in a d/s relationship? Protip: you don’t sit on your ass all day while your uber-dominant-latex-clad Mistress worships your dick. Why yes, I am here to crush your dreams 🙂

Regular human beings who aren’t getting paid to put up with your shit expect a goddamn grownup who is willing to pull their own weight in a relationship, not a whiny little baby they have to do everything for. Even someone who likes micromanaging and giving orders wants a competent adult for a partner, not a useless lump. It is simply not attractive to insist your partner do literally all of the work.

No, I don’t fucking care that it’s hard. Adulting in general is hard. Getting up and going to work when you didn’t sleep well and the weather sucks and you desperately want to stay in bed is hard. Packing a lunch every day so you can save money and pay off your debts faster is hard. Staying in and cleaning your home when you want to go out and have fun is hard. You fucking do it anyway if you want to be a grownup and not a spoiled child.

While I’m at it, have you sad bastards seriously never once tried to learn anything by looking it up online? Guess what, the same skills apply! Search for a thing, read a bunch of the results that come up. See if multiple sources agree with each other. Iff 5 sources agree and 1 doesn’t, there’s a good chance that the odd one out is wrong. Come on, this is basic internetting 101. If you’re too stupid and/or lazy to do any of your own research, why on earth would any dom ever want you?

Now, it’s entirely possible that I’ve missed out on perfectly lovely people who had a tragic failure of common sense and would immediately have gotten their shit together when they were told that asking people to spoonfeed them information is lazy and pathetic, but you know, that’s a chance I’m willing to take. Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour anyway, so what exactly am I supposed to be missing out on?

All of that isn’t to say it’s not okay to make mistakes, but there are different kinds of mistakes and some of them are much more tolerable than others. If you make an effort to do your own research but screw it up and get the idea that submissive men are expected to call all dominant women mistress, you can recover from that very easily by explaining why you did it, apologizing, and not doing it again. As much as I loathe being called mistress, I’m willing to give someone points for trying to be respectful as long as they do better when they get better information. Other mistakes, like showing up on fetlife and expecting people to spoonfeed you information, are more of a character flaw (specifically a combination of laziness and entitlement) than they are a mistake, so I’m not at all confident they can be fixed.

And no, I don’t expect this almost 1000 word blog post to fix anyone’s character flaws either. If I could do that, I’d be a millionaire 🙂 This post is just me blowing off steam and making a space for other people who also can’t stand that particular form of laziness and entitlement to say “yeah, that’s incredibly fucking irritating!”