Or, Stabbity thought of more stuff that new submissive guys might want to know.

One of the questions I see over and over is whether it’s okay to be inexperienced or whether any dom would ever give an inexperienced sub the time of day. I also sometimes see puzzling (to put it nicely) assumptions about more experienced subs.

First of all, there’s nothing wrong with whatever level of experience you have. If you have none, great. That’s how we all started out. If you have tons, great. You have something valuable to share.

For the inexperienced subs out there, it’s not a lack of experience that can put doms off so much as the way that lack of experience and lack of self-awareness often go together. If you’ve never done anything kinky before, doms worry that you’ll abruptly realize you’re not kinky after all and abandon them or assume that kink is all about making your boner happy and irritate the shit out of them and waste their time, or act shocked that women have desires of their own that might not turn you on or even *GASP* actively turn you off.

Fortunately, there are a bunch of things you can do about that. First of all, get some information about kink that doesn’t come from porn. Ideally you should go to a munch and talk to actual kinky people face to face, but if that’s not your thing then I highly recommend reading forums and/or blogs where you can hear from actual kinky people. Just keep in mind that there is a huge amount of bullshit on the internet. If anyone asks you for money, they’re a scammer. If someone sounds like they stepped out of your favourite porno, they’re a scammer. If someone goes on and on about how they were trained by a secret European house/a true old guard mistress/how they’ve been dominant since middle school, they’re lying to make themselves look important and you should take everything they say with a gigantic grain of salt.

Many kinky people are friendly to newbies who are trying to figure themselves out, if you ask politely about something in their profile or something they said in a forum post, you have a good chance of getting a helpful answer. Don’t take it personally if you don’t get a response even if you do everything right, all sorts of things that have nothing to do with you can prevent a person from answering even the best email. Sometimes people get swamped at work. Sometimes people go on vacation. Sometimes people have a bad break up and take a little time away from the scene. Sometimes people just forget stuff and then all of a sudden that message is two months old and they’re embarrassed about saying “Hi person who messaged me weeks and weeks ago, I’m kind of a fuckup and can’t keep track of my own email.” Er, not that that’s ever happened to me or anything.

Another piece of advice for men in general: read/watch/listen to media by women. Why? Because it’ll help you understand that we’re people with unique views of the world who don’t exist to entertain you. One of the most irritating things you can possibly do as a new sub is to act all shocked and horrified that a dominant woman might have her own ideas about how a scene or a relationship should go.

If casual play is something that appeals to you at all, kink organizations will sometimes have events specifically for newbies to try stuff out. In my city we’ll have a party for newbies about once a year with a whole bunch of booths staffed by volunteers (both tops and bottoms) who might let you give/receive a spanking, or a paddling, or a couple of licks from a whip (you probably won’t get to give that one). Even if casual play is your thing, keep in mind that trying something in the context of a stranger giving you a quick demo can be very different from having a full on scene with someone you personally like and want to play with. Basically, don’t write something off as Not Your Kink just because a demo didn’t do it for you.

For people with the cash to spare, seeing a pro can also be helpful. Sometimes you just want to know whether you even like getting flogged/caned/tied up and you don’t want to lead some poor woman on just to find out that you’re only a bottom in your fantasies. Now, pros can have very similar problems with total newbies as lifestyle doms – if you’ve never done this before you’re much more likely to get cold feet, and for a pro that’s an hour (or so) where they suddenly don’t make any money. Expect to pay some kind of deposit to make an appointment and accept that not all pros are interested in seeing someone with absolutely no references (it’ll say so on her website if that’s the case). Keep in mind that pros are often part of the scene – the pro you were a dick to might very well be best friends with the hot dom at the munch you have your eye on.

Don’t forget, being inexperienced can be an asset. Some doms have run into far too many guys who expect them to act just like their old mistress did and are sick of having to explain that no really, they’re different people who want different things. Sometimes it’s just easier to deal with someone who isn’t dragging around all that baggage. It can also be a huge amount of fun to introduce people to awesome stuff they’re been fantasizing about for ages and finally get to experience. And honestly, some people are just turned on by being someone’s first dom.

That all might sound really complicated but all you need to do is make a bit of an effort to figure your shit out and treat dominant women like we’re people.

For the experienced subs out there, it’s not that having experience means you’re used goods, it’s that your new dom is going to worry that you’ll expect her to be exactly like your old dom.

Some guys seem to assume that having some experience means they’re somehow pre-trained and less work for a new dom. That’s bullshit, to be blunt. There is no universal standard of training. I don’t fucking care that so and so trained you, I’m not her. The fact that you think that’s relevant only tells me you don’t understand that doms are unique individuals.

Think about it this way: if you date Amy and then Brianna, would you tell Brianna that you’re a good boyfriend because you know what Amy likes? No, that would be completely fucking ridiculous. Amy and Brianna are different people, making Amy happy doesn’t say anything about your ability to make Brianna happy.

There’s also a special case of this for guys who’ve spent a lot of time seeing pros: lifestylers can get worried that you’re going to expect them to act like a pro. That is, to break out all the fancy fetish gear every time and do what you like, not what they like and always be up for a scene if you want one. This is where you need the self-awareness to know what you actually want. If you enjoyed playing with a pro but you want a relationship too and/or a more pervasive d/s dynamic than you can realistically maintain with someone you see once a month, great! On the other hand, if you just want someone to top you for free and otherwise act like a pro, suck it up and keep paying the pro. Trust me, everyone will be happier that way. You don’t want to be the self-absorbed asshole that your former girlfriend warns all her friends to stay the hell away from.

To be clear, it’s absolutely okay to want the pro dom experience. Maybe you’re extremely busy, maybe you don’t have the emotional energy for a relationship, maybe you need to keep your kink sharply separated from the rest of your life. As long as you’re honest about it and don’t try to badger some poor woman into pro domming you for free, it’s totally cool to want what you want.

Another potential issue with a guy who’s played with other doms, pro or not, is it can be intimidating to play with someone who’s played with someone who is really good at it and wonder if you measure up. Especially if he’s played with someone who literally does it for a living, it can be really easy to start worrying about whether you’re actually any good at this or whether he’s wishing he was playing with someone who had better aim.

Being more experienced can be an asset. It’s no worse than having had previous vanilla relationships. Sure, there’s a risk you have more baggage than someone who’s never dated before, but at the same time that also tells me that at least one person thought you were worth dating. Net gain! Plus it’s really helpful if you can tell your dom that you love x, like y okay, and can’t take much z.

The same advice I gave inexperienced guys still applies: all you need to do is make a bit of an effort to figure your shit out and treat dominant women like we’re people.

No matter how much experience you have, if you have a bit of self-awareness and can build an emotional connection with someone, odds are good she won’t care how much experience you have. Keep in mind that different people like different things for reasons that have nothing to do with you, and don’t try to be someone you’re not.