How to lose friends and alienate people

I have to admit it, I love a good trainwreck of a thread. There have been two on Fetlife recently, both started by the same person, that are even better than youtube fail videos. Everything this guy could get wrong, he got wrong. Aside from some tasteless rubbernecking, I do think there’s something to be learned from Mr Fail.

The first thread is What about the United Kingdom?, in which the original poster whines and cries about how Fetlife’s developers have had the unbelievable gall not to cater perfectly to his exact wishes, and the second is Calling All Sadistic Women in a 30 mile radius of London or Bedford, which is obviously a personal ad and obviously pointless to post in an international group, which of course Submissive men and women who love them is.

Aside from watching a grown man (nearly twice my age, even!) whine and cry like an overtired toddler, what can we learn from this poor fuckup? The very simplest lesson is to just do the exact opposite of everything he’s done and you’ll be fine 🙂

But to go into a little more detail, the root problem here is that not only did he comprehensively fail to understand what Fetlife is for (protip: it’s not for getting your dick wet), but he also showed that he wasn’t mature enough to deal with the idea that he could possibly be wrong about something and when people tried to explain that he got something wrong he got defensive instead of listening.

If you’re going to join any community, whether it’s something online like Fetlife or something offline like a meetup, for fuck’s sake make sure you understand what it’s for before you start whining about how it doesn’t do a good job of something it was never intended to do. Whether it’s a meetup or a website, watch and learn for a little while before you decide someone else is doing it wrong. Just because the community isn’t quite what you wanted doesn’t mean they’re doing it wrong. I can’t believe I have to say that to grownups, but clearly some of you need to hear it. And honestly, when you’re really emotionally attached to something and you’ve built up this community as The One Way To Get The Thing, it’s really easy to flip your shit when it turns out this community isn’t your one stop shop for whatever it is you’re looking for.

Which conveniently brings me to my next point, maturity! It takes some maturity to stay in control and act like a grownup when you’re disappointed, and it takes maturity to act like a grownup when people tell you you’re wrong about something. Nobody likes being wrong, but what exactly do you think is going to happen when you throw a tantrum when people give you advice in a thread where you asked for advice? (Actually, don’t throw a tantrum anywhere, but especially don’t do it there.)

If you can’t act like a grownup on a discussion on the internet, you are simply not ready for kink. Words on a screen can certainly be infuriating, I’m not denying that, but if you flip your shit in that situation there is zero chance whatsoever you can handle the smallest thing in a scene going wrong. I hate to burst your bubble, but actual kink scenes are not like the porn you watch. Things go wrong sometimes. I’ve had scenes that just didn’t work, I’ve accidentally wrapped with a flogger and whapped myself on the ear with a whip and bruised people unevenly because I’m not that good with a cane, I’ve had play partners safeword because they were just physically done and because I accidentally triggered them, I’ve had to cancel planned weekend play dates because I just didn’t have it in me. If you can’t handle people on the internet failing to verbally kiss your ass, how can you possibly convince anyone you’re safe to play with? Tops get to vet their bottoms too and we are not the only people who can make someone feel incredibly shitty about the scene they just had. Be nice to yourself and skip the shitty scene with Mr Fail and especially skip the part where he calls you a failure as a top because you couldn’t magically read his mind and make his every fantasy come true.

The message you should be taking away from this entire rant is that nobody owes you shit. You are not entitled to meet people from your area when you show up in an international group on Fetlife. You are not entitled to have Fetlife cater to your every whim just because you showed up. You are not entitled to a hot dominatrix who can make your every fantasy come true when you have shown absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

And one final piece of advice: if you’re going to run your mouth about how you’re a big time computer expert and [insert name of website here] is doing it wrong, double check, triple check, get a friend to check, and then keep your mouth shut anyway because you are probably wrong. The less you say about how incredibly smart you are, the fewer chances you have to make a complete ass of yourself.

To summarize, in case you had better things to do than read almost 1000 words of my ranting, is that if even if you behave like a total douchebag, you’re still useful as an example of what not to do 🙂 Or more seriously, doing a bit of watching and learning before you dive in is always a good idea and you should prove that you’re a grownup by allowing for the possibility that you aren’t right about everything that has ever happened. Also, to paraphrase an old saying I half remember “If one person tells you you’re an ass, ignore them. If two people tell you you’re an ass, think about it. If three people tell you you’re an ass, get measured for a saddle.”

2 thoughts on “How to lose friends and alienate people

  1. Maybe the biggest part is “you’re not entitled to female bodies and sex and that someone fullfills you fantasies”.

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