It’s personal. Domination, that is. I want to someone to submit to me because they like and trust me that much, because I as a person inspire submission in them, not because I’m a woman, dominant, and within 50 feet of them.
That’s why I can’t fucking stand bullshit like female supremacy. If you’re only submitting to me because you believe women are superior, then it really doesn’t matter which woman you’re submitting to. Not to mention that in my experience female supremacists also absolutely fucking despise women, but that’s a separate blog post. Even if you don’t abruptly lose all respect for women when one of us disagrees with you, I have zero interest in people who only “respect” me because I have tits. Just fuck off until you learn to relate to me like I’m a human fucking being.
I’m also infuriated by trash like this idiotic article by Ms Alexandra Stevens about the “one true way” to control a submissive man. Most of my complaints about that crap are already covered in my rant about lying liar Elise Sutton, but it never hurts to have another example of how people are willing to lie to submissive men to part them from their money. Guys, if someone is telling you exactly what you want to hear, down to the level of saying that your favourite kink (chastity/tease & denial/orgasm denial in Ms Alexandra Stevens case) is the one true way you should be dominated, they’re fucking lying to you!
Assholes who scam submissive men aside, saying that orgasm denial is the one true way to dominate a guy is just fucking ridiculous. If I were to blindly follow “Alexandra’s” extraordinarily detailed plan for how long I should keep my submissive locked up (no way that could possibly have been written by a male chastity fetishist, nope, totally sounds like an actual woman whose world doesn’t revolve around some guy’s dick), then I’m not in control, “she” is. And again, it’s totally impersonal. Nothing in that entire article is actually about the woman in charge, it’s about how she can service her submissive’s dick. The almost certainly a guy who wrote this doesn’t seem to care at all which woman locks his dick up as long as someone does it.
If I’m interchangeable then it’s not about me and I don’t want to play. If I have to act out a kink I may not have (newsflash, not everyone is into orgasm denial!), then it’s not even slightly about me. If I’m expected to act out this kink down to some random asshole’s specifications about how long I should deny my partner an orgasm, again, it’s not about me! How can it possibly be about me if I don’t get the chance to do things my way? Even people who are really, really interested in chastity have their own desires, there’s no chastity hive mind. If your dom only wants to deny you for a few hours and then have passionate sex, shouldn’t what she wants be more important than what random asshole from the internet says about how long she should deny you?
Wanting domination to be personal is also why desperation is such a turn off for me. If you want to play so badly that you’re willing to do that with literally anyone, then a) it’s not about me, and b) you’re not looking out for your own wellbeing, which is a gigantic problem all on its own. If you just enjoy playing with a variety of different people and feel confident about your ability to stop or redirect a scene that isn’t working for you, that’s totally cool. What I’m talking about is the seriously unsettling “oh god I need someone, anyone, to dominate me” level of desperation. If anyone will do, then you’re both treating me like I’m interchangeable and deliberately ignoring the fact that me being a dom doesn’t mean we have any interests in common. You can see how that’s gross and dehumanizing, right?
And on a slightly different note, I also like my play to be up close and personal. For the longest time I just wasn’t interested in whips because I didn’t want to be across the room from my play partner when I could be right up in his face hearing all the fantastic little noises he makes.
Speaking of play partners, as much as I want our play to be about me, I also want it to be about them. I’m not going to dominate just anybody, I can’t be bothered. It fucking matters to me who you are, what you’re doing with your life, what you want out of this scene, what you have to give and how much you can take. Even outside of wanting to have some sort of connection with the person I’m playing with, it’s just so much more fun to use a smart, capable human being as a toy. I can’t get that hit of “yeah, you could be building a house or writing beautiful music or giving a speech in front of hundreds of people, but instead you’re here getting slapped around because I wanted to play.” That’s an amazing feeling, and it’s one I can only have with someone I can relate to outside of a scene.
It’s personal. It’s about who I am, who you are, and how we fit together. I want you to bring your whole self to our play and I want you to expect me to bring my whole self. I need you to want more than just any female body. If you can’t connect with your play partner, then why fucking bother?