It’s personal

It’s personal. Domination, that is. I want to someone to submit to me because they like and trust me that much, because I as a person inspire submission in them, not because I’m a woman, dominant, and within 50 feet of them.

That’s why I can’t fucking stand bullshit like female supremacy. If you’re only submitting to me because you believe women are superior, then it really doesn’t matter which woman you’re submitting to. Not to mention that in my experience female supremacists also absolutely fucking despise women, but that’s a separate blog post. Even if you don’t abruptly lose all respect for women when one of us disagrees with you, I have zero interest in people who only “respect” me because I have tits. Just fuck off until you learn to relate to me like I’m a human fucking being.

I’m also infuriated by trash like this idiotic article by Ms Alexandra Stevens about the “one true way” to control a submissive man. Most of my complaints about that crap are already covered in my rant about lying liar Elise Sutton, but it never hurts to have another example of how people are willing to lie to submissive men to part them from their money. Guys, if someone is telling you exactly what you want to hear, down to the level of saying that your favourite kink (chastity/tease & denial/orgasm denial in Ms Alexandra Stevens case) is the one true way you should be dominated, they’re fucking lying to you!

Assholes who scam submissive men aside, saying that orgasm denial is the one true way to dominate a guy is just fucking ridiculous. If I were to blindly follow “Alexandra’s” extraordinarily detailed plan for how long I should keep my submissive locked up (no way that could possibly have been written by a male chastity fetishist, nope, totally sounds like an actual woman whose world doesn’t revolve around some guy’s dick), then I’m not in control, “she” is. And again, it’s totally impersonal. Nothing in that entire article is actually about the woman in charge, it’s about how she can service her submissive’s dick. The almost certainly a guy who wrote this doesn’t seem to care at all which woman locks his dick up as long as someone does it.

If I’m interchangeable then it’s not about me and I don’t want to play. If I have to act out a kink I may not have (newsflash, not everyone is into orgasm denial!), then it’s not even slightly about me. If I’m expected to act out this kink down to some random asshole’s specifications about how long I should deny my partner an orgasm, again, it’s not about me! How can it possibly be about me if I don’t get the chance to do things my way? Even people who are really, really interested in chastity have their own desires, there’s no chastity hive mind. If your dom only wants to deny you for a few hours and then have passionate sex, shouldn’t what she wants be more important than what random asshole from the internet says about how long she should deny you?

Wanting domination to be personal is also why desperation is such a turn off for me. If you want to play so badly that you’re willing to do that with literally anyone, then a) it’s not about me, and b) you’re not looking out for your own wellbeing, which is a gigantic problem all on its own. If you just enjoy playing with a variety of different people and feel confident about your ability to stop or redirect a scene that isn’t working for you, that’s totally cool. What I’m talking about is the seriously unsettling “oh god I need someone, anyone, to dominate me” level of desperation. If anyone will do, then you’re both treating me like I’m interchangeable and deliberately ignoring the fact that me being a dom doesn’t mean we have any interests in common. You can see how that’s gross and dehumanizing, right?

And on a slightly different note, I also like my play to be up close and personal. For the longest time I just wasn’t interested in whips because I didn’t want to be across the room from my play partner when I could be right up in his face hearing all the fantastic little noises he makes.

Speaking of play partners, as much as I want our play to be about me, I also want it to be about them. I’m not going to dominate just anybody, I can’t be bothered. It fucking matters to me who you are, what you’re doing with your life, what you want out of this scene, what you have to give and how much you can take. Even outside of wanting to have some sort of connection with the person I’m playing with, it’s just so much more fun to use a smart, capable human being as a toy. I can’t get that hit of “yeah, you could be building a house or writing beautiful music or giving a speech in front of hundreds of people, but instead you’re here getting slapped around because I wanted to play.” That’s an amazing feeling, and it’s one I can only have with someone I can relate to outside of a scene.

It’s personal. It’s about who I am, who you are, and how we fit together. I want you to bring your whole self to our play and I want you to expect me to bring my whole self. I need you to want more than just any female body. If you can’t connect with your play partner, then why fucking bother?

8 thoughts on “It’s personal

  1. Interesting!!!! When I started out I thought it was all toys, toys, and wardrobe. Then after listening to my play partners and friends it wasn’t about any of that: it was the interaction between us. My submissive partner taught me so much and brings great joy whenever we are together. It is going on fifteen years now and we still play and laugh.

    • My submissive partner taught me so much and brings great joy whenever we are together.

      Aww, that’s adorable and awesome!

  2. Everything here 10000%. I wonder how long these kinds of ideas can last in people who actually begin to plan in the real world – or are they limited to the online fantasy realm? I mean, you can’t take this desperate, impersonal approach to a a munch or a date and have it go well, can you? I guess when I was starting out I tolerated a good amount of this because I didn’t quite understand it or know how to weed it out, but those conversations or meet-ups never went anywhere. The problem even if it is online-only wank material is that is gives a skewed view to people who may be able to have a much more holistic view, and feels very exclusionary. For new doms and subs who may want to actually get out in the world and play realistically, you look at that and think, fuck, is this how it is? It’s limiting.

    I also wonder how this plays out on the M/f (or F/f) side. Do female subs have ideas that are similarly detached and impersonal? I was certainly less picky about who I’d play with when I “subbed” (lots of long reasons for that which I’m still trying to articulate). I’d bet there is still some disconnect, but it manifests differently. This is the kind of thing I’d like to see a mixed-gender Dom round table for, just to compare notes. It would be super interesting.

    • I mean, you can’t take this desperate, impersonal approach to a a munch or a date and have it go well, can you?

      It’s definitely less common offline, but it’s still amazing and sad what people will try to get away with. I’m sad to say I’ve talked with more than one man who thought we had a “connection” when all that existed on my end was tits and a willingness to make polite conversation for a little while.

      The problem even if it is online-only wank material is that is gives a skewed view to people who may be able to have a much more holistic view, and feels very exclusionary.

      THIS. I don’t know why guys keep acting surprised their partners aren’t super into kink once they’re introduced to it when the introduction is a list of chores she can do to make his boner happy. Make it about her, dammit!

      Do female subs have ideas that are similarly detached and impersonal?

      That’s a really good question. I did hear on a podcast once (but damned if I remember which one) that some male doms feel like they have to put on the big bad dom persona whether or not that’s them because female subs don’t seem to pay any attention to them otherwise, but given the way women are socialized I’d be very surprised if male doms had to deal with as much “you’re a prop in my fantasy, why aren’t you doing what I want?” bullshit.

  3. Oh for Fuck’s sake,
    I just got off of another random female supremacy website and had to re-read your post, just to calm down again. This absolute horse shit, that all women want to dominate and just have to be warmed up to the idea infuriates me.
    It suggests, that women are all uni-colored fiends, and not a bunch of blissfully colorful sexuality rainbows.
    In addition, I feel insulted that my submission is nothing personal, but just the natural order of things. Fuck off, I picked someone amazing, who pushes all the right buttons, has a sharp mind, is funny, what’s more fun to be around, and as an added bonus easy to look at. To this amazing woman I’ll gladly submit. The idea, that I somehow have to submit to every random woman is ludicrous.
    I like my submission to be voluntary; thank you very much.

    To get to my point: Thank you for this lovely rant. It cleansed my soul.
    Good day.

    • The idea, that I somehow have to submit to every random woman is ludicrous.

      Exactly! It’s really reassuring to hear that so many other people are also infuriated by that female supremacy bullshit, I just get so disappointed and frankly grossed out when I see guys basically saying “you have tits, you’ll do.”

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