Depending on who you ask, there are anywhere between 10 and 1000 submissive men for every dominant woman out there. That’s complete and utter bullshit. Here’s why.

First, let’s define some terms. For the purpose of this post I’m calling people who are interested in power exchange in terms of giving up control/authority/the right to make certain decisions ‘submissive’ and people who are interested in kinky play that can look like power exchange but not interested in giving up control ‘bottoms’. On the other end up the spectrum, I’m calling people who are interested in power exchange in terms of receiving control/authority/the right to make certain decisions ‘dominant’ and people who are interested kinky play that can look like power exchange but not interested in taking control, ‘tops’. Note that none of those definitions have anything to do with whether a person is involved in the ‘scene’ whether in person or online.

Part of the problem is that there’s the (incredibly fucking stupid) belief in the scene that the more extreme your form of power exchange, the better a kinky person you are. This leads into the idea that if you’re not the slaviest slave who ever slaved, you’re worthless and no dom will even give you the time of day. Because of that, guys who know perfectly well that they’re only interested in bottoming, or only want to submit during defined scenes, feel like they have to call themselves 24/7 TPE submissives to get anyone to speak to them.

There are also people who are just really fucking bad at being submissive. And there are people who watched too much kink porn without doing any research on sites like FetLife and have decided that because the word “slave” gets them all hot and bothered, they must in fact be slaves. And there are people who just aren’t self aware enough to have figured out what they really want, but think the word submissive is hot, so that’s good enough for now.

I firmly believe that the people who say there are X submissive men for every dominant woman are lumping all of those groups together. Now, the distinctions can be fairly fine, as there are as many ways to submit as there are submissive people. Submissive people of any gender are absolutely entitled to ask for what they want, and to get their needs met in a relationship or leave it to look for a better fit. However, there’s a difference between a submissive guy making a request: “it turns me on when you wear black leather boots” and a dominant bottom scripting a scene: “you have to wear black leather boots, they have to have a 4″ spike heel, and then you have to order me to kiss them, no, not like that, you need to sound more commanding…”.

Still, comparing the numbers of bottoms + fetishists + people who suck at being submissive + people who don’t know what they really want + people who really do want to submit and are good at it to the number of exclusively dominant women who are any good at it and not scammers is not exactly an apples to apples comparison. Now, I’m not saying it’s not true that there are more men who identify as kinky than there are women (which is a separate rant), but I highly doubt the odds are as bad as some people think.

Also, it’s not nearly as hard to stand out as people think. For fuck’s sake, not long ago I saw the women of the Submissive men and women who love them go absolutely nuts over a guy who was new to the group. You know what he did? He read the fucking stickies and posted an interesting question. When reading the stickies causes women to play-fight over you, the bar is pretty fucking low.

Guys, the dickbags who post personal ads about how obedient they are in no-personal ads groups are the majority of your competition. If sad bastards like that have set the bar too high for you, it’s not the relative numbers of submissive men and dominant women that are keeping you single.

If there really are 100 submissive men for every dominant woman, where the fuck is my awesome geekboy harem? If awesome submissive men are really that common, there must be tons of them who are right for me. Clearly every dominant woman has so many awesome men in her life that she’d have to give up sleep to have time for any more of them.

For that matter, why is any dominant woman ever single when she doesn’t want to be? Surely she could just snap her fingers and a submissive man would appear in front of her, ready to do her bidding. And if she didn’t like  him, she could just go to the next man in line until she found one she clicked with. Should take about a day, maybe two, right?

WRONG.

Awesome submissive men are rare and precious. Awesome submissive men who are just right for a given dom are even rarer. I know a bunch of  submissive men who are great friends and great people, but aren’t right for me personally.

Speaking of submissive male friends, my friend Kadri was nice enough to give me some stats on our local community. He tells me that in his experience there are only about twice as many exclusively submissive men as there are exclusively dominant women. Our city may not have the exact same ratios yours does, and if you live in a particularly small town you’re going to have a hard time finding any other kinky people, let alone kinky people you’d like to date, but at a ratio of 2:1 the odds aren’t exactly insurmountable.

Another very interesting thing Kadri told me was that there are actually more women who top sometimes (if not necessarily very often) than there are men who bottom sometimes (again, if not necessarily very often). Apparently the ratio of not-exclusively-submissive women to not-exclusively-dominant men is about 3:2. However, most of the women who are interested in topping at least some of the time keep quiet about it because they don’t want to be swarmed by all the desperate submissive (or “submissive”) guys out there.

It’s true that these stats are just for one city, and no doubt you are a special snowflake who lives in a dead zone as far as dominant women go, but I think they point to the odds generally not being all that terrible. It’s not even about “the odds” anyway. You only need to find one woman who’s right for you and who you’re right for. She won’t be “used up” by some other guy because she’s a person, not a fucking commodity you can run out of.

Understanding and enforcing your own boundaries is necessary if you want to take part in the kink scene. Unfortunately, not everyone understands how boundaries and consent work. Specifically, people seem to be confused about whose job it is to make sure people’s boundaries are respected.

People, this is not fucking rocket science. It is your job to respect other people’s boundaries. It is your job to make sure that you’ve gotten consent for whatever it is you want to do to them. It is your job and no one else’s to make sure that you are not an abuser.

Above all, it is not the victim’s fault if they get abused. If someone is inclined to be an asshole to you, maybe you can avoid them if you’re lucky, but you can’t magically make them stop being an asshole. Saying that someone should have said no louder, or run to a DM (dungeon master) sooner is like telling a rape victim she shouldn’t have worn such a short skirt. It makes you look like an asshole, and does absolutely nothing to fix the problem. Unless your problem is that you need more people to despise you, in which case problem solved!

While there’s very little you can do individually to prevent any one asshole from being an asshole, there’s a lot we can do collectively. Abusers aren’t stupid. They aren’t slavering beasts who just can’t control themselves. They are rational people with an interest in not getting thrown out of their communities or arrested. They pick and choose what they do, when, and to whom to minimize their chances of facing any consequences for their actions.

What we as a community can do is refuse to allow anyone to be above accusations of abuse, and make sure there are no ‘safe’ targets. Many abusers get away with it because they’ve been in the community for years, and have made strategic alliances with lots of people who will then say ‘But Dennis is a good friend of mine, he’d never do that’, or ‘But Dennis is such a reliable volunteer, surely no-one who has given so much to the community could be a bad person’. Volunteering in particular makes community organizers reluctant to do anything about the odd accusation of abuse. When you’re worried about how you’re going to be in two places at once because you have more jobs than you have people, it becomes very tempting to let accusations against one of the few reliable volunteers slide.

As for ‘safe’ targets, some people are easier to get away with abusing than others. People who are new to the community may not know who to take a problem to even if they are willing to report it. New people and people who haven’t made many friends yet are also more likely to be accused of ‘stirring up drama’ if they try to tell people they’ve been abused.

The solution to both of these problems is simple. Not easy (very far from easy), but simple. Take absolutely all accusations of abuse seriously, and be as draconian as necessary when dealing with abusers. In the unlikely event that someone makes a false accusation, the truth is going to come out sooner or later. Personally, I would rather endure being falsely accused and shunned than have an actual case of abuse be ignored.

We also need to take victim blaming, boundary testing, and general disrespect seriously. Acting like that kind of behavior is normal and acceptable lets abusers feel safe. Making the entire community hostile to abusers, on the other hand, means they’ll choose to hang out somewhere safer for them.

On the subject of boundary testing, the idea that having your boundaries pushed non-consensually is an opportunity for you to practice defending your boundaries and is therefore a good thing is reprehensible. It is simply not okay to push people if you have not negotiated that kind of relationship with them. Saying that it’s okay because it’s a safe environment is just fucking stupid. As soon as my boundaries get pushed, the environment IS NOT SAFE. Why is that so fucking hard to understand?

To quote researcher David Lisak’s paper Understanding the Predatory Nature of Sexual Violence:

“In the course of 20 years of interviewing these undetected rapists, in both research and forensic settings, it has been possible for me to distill some of the common characteristics of the modus operandi of these sex offenders. These undetected rapists:

• are extremely adept at identifying “likely” victims, and testing prospective victims’ boundaries;
• plan and premeditate their attacks, using sophisticated strategies to groom their victims for attack, and to isolate them physically;
• use “instrumental” not gratuitous violence; they exhibit strong impulse control and use only as much violence as is needed to terrify and coerce their victims into submission;
• use psychological weapons – power, control, manipulation, and threats – backed up by physical force, and almost never resort to weapons such as knives or guns;
• use alcohol deliberately to render victims more vulnerable to attack, or completely unconscious.”

 

Boundary testing is what rapists do to find out how likely their chosen target is to fight back . When we tolerate that kind of behavior, we are telling abusers ‘Come on in, the water’s fine!’.

Remember, it is your job and only your job to make sure you don’t abuse people. Saying that it’s the bottom’s job to stop tops from violating their boundaries is saying that because you’re too fucking stupid to make sure you get consent before you do something, the entire scene should be baby-proofed for you so you don’t have to worry about the consequences of your actions. If you can’t handle the idea that you are responsible for the effects of your actions, you need to get the fuck out of the scene. Don’t come back until you’ve grown up.

To quote Wikipedia, a munch is:

a low-pressure social gathering for people involved in or interested in BDSM, usually at a restaurant. When available, munches often use a private room. In the UK, the venue is usually a pub, and people are free to arrive and leave within the specified hours. The primary purpose is socializing, though some munches also have announcements from local organizations. Munches often help those who are curious about the lifestyle meet others who may be able to help them become more comfortable and better informed. Munches can also be a place to get advice about or pass on anecdotes about BDSM experiences.

Unlike a play party, most munches are casual affairs that exclude fetish attire or BDSM play, though a rare few include covert Master/slave interactions or other play. Some munches may have a specific focus, such as spirituality or whips. Others may be restricted to a specific group, such as women or submissives. (emphasis mine)

Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s take a look at the parts of the definition I’ve bolded. Why is it so important that munches are strictly social gatherings that exclude kinky play? There are two main reasons. One, munches are usually a new person’s first experience of the scene, and two, they’re almost always held in public places.

Not everyone wants to be part of the public, in person scene, but for those who do munches are a way to get to know people in a safe, friendly setting. If you’re planning to start going to play parties, they’re especially important because they’re less intimidating and they’re a better way to get to know people. On the other hand, if you aren’t planning to go to any play parties they’re especially important because they are your best opportunity to spend time with other kinky people.

Going to your first play party is pretty fucking scary. You don’t know just what’s going to happen there, you don’t know if you’ll accidentally make some terrible faux-pas and be shunned forever, you don’t know what you’re going to say if you run into a vanilla friend on the way there, you don’t know if you’ll fit in or if you’ll spend the entire party awkwardly standing around, you don’t know if actually seeing people play will freak you out, or if anyone will want to play with you, or if you even want to play. That’s kind of a lot to worry about. Doesn’t it make sense that we’d have separate events with simpler expectations (ie, show up in normal street clothes and try not to be a jerk) so people can have an easier time getting into the scene?

Not everybody even wants to go to a play party. Some people are only interested in the d/s part of the BDSM acronym (newsflash: you can be kinky and not like impact play!). Some people only want to play in private with their romantic partner/s. Some people just aren’t interested in watching other people play. If play parties aren’t for you, munches are just about your only opportunity to socialize with other kinky people.

As Crimsonjen commented on my post on tolerance, “Freak them out on their first night and they don’t inform Someone In Charge. They quietly leave and never come back.” That’s why it’s so important to make munches friendly and non-threatening. Everybody struggles to accept their kink. Meeting other kinky people tends to be hugely helpful to people who are freaked out by their own desires. If we fuck up people’s first introduction to the scene, we can set them back years. YEARS. How can that possibly be less important than getting to have a coercive group spanking scene at a munch?

Even if it were possible to have a non-coercive group scene at a munch (hint: it’s not, but that’s a separate rant), playing in public in any visible way is would still be completely inappropriate. Most munches are held in restaurants. This means that there are often vanilla customers near by, and even if the munch is held in a private room there is still the waitstaff to think about. Did they consent to watch your scene? While you can tell munch goers to just leave if they don’t want to watch (as if that wouldn’t be tremendously awkward, but again, separate rant), the staff literally cannot leave. We cannot talk about consent being one of the most important values in the scene if we’re willing to just ditch it when it’s inconvenient.

Also, we tell people who are scared of being outed that it’s safe to come to a munch, that as far as anyone who sees them at the restaurant will know, they’re just having dinner with some friends. If we have spankings at our munches, we’re saying that those people can go fuck themselves. Even people who probably wouldn’t face any serious consequences if they were outed (students, for example) might not be interested in justifying their interest in kink to their friends/parents/coworkers. They have the right to make their own decisions about if and when to out themselves.

Not only am I still waiting to hear a single good reason why there should ever be any play whatsoever at a munch, but there is simply no argument that you can possibly make that trumps our core values of consent and being welcoming to scared newbies. If you have to argue for something like birthday spankings at a munch, at least have the balls to admit you’re a selfish douchebag who puts your own amusement ahead of the core values of the community.

There seems to be some confusion in the local kink community about the concept of ‘tolerance’. Dictionary.com defines it as:

tol·er·ance [tol-er-uhns]

noun

1. a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one’s own; freedom from bigotry.

2. a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward opinions and practices that differ from one’s own.

3. interest in and concern for ideas, opinions, practices, etc., foreign to one’s own; a liberal, undogmatic viewpoint.

Or, as we say in the kink community ‘your kink is not my kink but your kink is okay’. What this means is that while some of us are squicked or outright triggered by some kinks, we do not demand that no-one practice those kinks at a party we happen to be at. If we choose to attend play parties, we do so with the understanding that we may be exposed to play that we are personally uncomfortable with. If that happens, we look away, leave the room, or perhaps leave the party entirely if we’re particularly bothered by what’s happening on the play floor.

What tolerance does NOT mean is that I have any obligation to participate in your chosen kink. Tolerance does NOT mean that you get to play anywhere you like with no regard for the people around you, either.

To use an example from my local community, there has recently been some controversy about whether we should start having birthday spankings at munches again. Apparently it’s intolerant of my friends and me to oppose coercive group scenes at events that are supposed to be a safe place for newbies to meet other kinky people. It’s fine and dandy, however, to tell people like me to not come to a munch if I don’t want to be pressured to be part of a group scene.

Clearly my right not to be part of a group scene (even if I’m just spectating, I’m part of the scene whether I want to be or not) is less important than the birthday spankers ability to have a scene at a munch instead of at a play party where it would be appropriate. Not to mention the fact that we have our munches in full view of the other patrons in the one LGBTQ friendly pub in the city. Who the hell are we to tell queer people that oh, by the way, your safe space isn’t safe today?

If we want tolerance for ourselves, we have to be tolerant of other people too. If we want to be welcome in the pub where we have our munches, we need not to be assholes to the other patrons. Tolerance in the form of basic courtesy lets us all share the space.

Speaking of courtesy, asking people to play at play parties and not munches is no more intolerant than asking people to keep needle scenes toward the back of the play floor. Needles are a particularly common phobia, and choosing to play with them where that scene will be obscured by other players and equipment is a simple courtesy that makes it easier for needle-players and needle-phobics to enjoy the same party. By contrast, what would actually be intolerant is if needle-play were completely banned at all kink events. What would also be intolerant is insisting on having your needle scene at the very front edge of the play floor, so that every time someone enters or leaves the party they have to walk right past your needle scene. That would be extremely intolerant of other people’s right to choose what scenes they watch closely and what scenes they turn away from.

Asking people to be courteous is not the same as being intolerant. If I ask you not to masturbate in public, I am not being intolerant of your right to masturbate (and doing whatever you want with your own body is in fact a basic human right). I’m just asking you to respect my right not to be involved in your sex act. If you insist that jerking off at the dinner table is perfectly fine and I should just look away if I don’t like it, I’m afraid you’re the one who is being intolerant. There is an appropriate time and place for both spanking and masturbation, and that time and place is NOT at a public munch.

There is a word for trying to force your scene into a munch over the objections of multiple people, and it isn’t tolerance, it’s bullying.

Fortunately, some fucktard has taken it upon himself to cleanse Fetlife of women by suggesting that Fetlife add a function to search for people by Location/Sex/Orientation/Age. Out of 1,919 suggestions this is the shit that gets voted up to first place. What the fuck is wrong with all you? Is it that much of a problem that there are women on Fetlife? Is it too easy to get laid? Are you all plagued by hordes of women actually replying to your messages?

There are certainly problems with Fetlife, but the relative lack of spam is not one of them. If you think being able to spam all of the women within x miles of you is a good idea, pull your head out of your ass and think for a second. What makes your desire to spam women different from every other straight guy looking to get some kinky pussy? Let’s be honest, no one who wants to be able to message every woman in the same time zone is planning to send a carefully considered email talking about why they chose her and why they think she’d want to talk with them. If you do send messages like that, having a search feature wouldn’t change anything for you because you’re probably messaging people you met through a discussion group.

But back to the spammers. If you stupid bastards could search by gender and location, you’d spam everyone while telling yourself you’re such a special snowflake that no one else is doing the exact same thing you are. Now instead of only getting spam from people who are patient enough to page through everyone in their city, all the women on fetlife get a flood of shitty, one line messages asking if they have any pics from every man with one hand free. What do you suppose happens then? Does she go through those messages one by one on the off chance there’s a needle in that haystack?

No, you waste of space, she gives up on messages entirely and participates only in discussions if she doesn’t leave the site entirely. People, if I wanted to have my time wasted by every stupid fuck from here to India, I’d still be active on collarme.

If you want to spam people, go back to collarme. Oh wait, you say there’s no-one there but pro doms and scammers? Gee, I wonder how that happened. It’s almost like women don’t enjoy getting spammed constantly.

Have you all learned nothing from the dismal failures of alt.com, bondage.com, and collarme.com? By all means, campaign to ruin fetlife if you think the abnormally high percentage of women active on the site is a problem. If you’re not a fucking moron, you’ll appreciate Fetlife for making it easier, not harder, for you to meet people.

Apparently some people actually believe there’s such a thing as a kinky hierarchy, in which some doms are more dominant than others and get to boss the less dominant people around. As an aside, I imagine there are also a lot of topless pillow fights in all girl dorms in this fantasy land.

If you have anything at all going on between your ears, it should be obvious that this idea is completely fucking ridiculous. A hierarchy, really? Next thing you’ll tell me is that there really are secret European houses.

When you’re face to face at an event, nobody gives two shits who is supposedly more dominant. Decent human beings don’t order each other around if they don’t already have an agreement in place to relate to each other that way. If you show up at a play party and assume you get first dibs on the equipment because you’re the domliest of them all, you’re really not going to have a good  night. You can get away with that shit on the internet, but in real life no one is going to be impressed.

The one place that I know of where this kind of hierarchy actually exists is in some families in the leather community. My understanding of leather is that everyone starts at the bottom and some people decide to become masters. That’s not for me but I do respect the values of the leather community. However, strict leather families where junior masters follow orders given by senior masters seem to be a pretty small part of the whole kink community.

On the other hand, a depressingly large part of the kink community (by which I mean more than zero people) is made up of poor deluded schmucks who are terribly attached to the idea that some people in the kink community somehow outrank others. How do you even measure who is somehow ‘more dominant’ anyway? I’ll make you a deal: if you can get the International Bureau of Weights and Measures to define a standard unit of dominance, I’ll treat ‘who is more dominant?’ like it’s a meaningful question. Until then, fuck off.

Even if there was a way to measure and rank doms, it still wouldn’t matter. BDSM is not a competitive sport. You can’t win at being a perv anymore than you can win at having a picnic (although come to think of it, competitive full-contact picnicking would be fun to watch). I firmly believe that the point of both picnics and kink is to enjoy yourself. If you’re not having a good time, does it really matter that some random jackass approves of your selection of sandwiches?

By the same token, if my partner and I enjoy my very low key style of dominance why on earth would I care whether some dickbag thinks they outrank me because their slave girl is trained to assume slave position #43-a when she requests permission to use the bathroom? If you honestly believe that doing things I don’t enjoy for the sake of appearing stereotypically dominant would somehow make me more dominant, you’re too stupid to be here. Go play with the youtube commentors, you mouthbreathing fuckwit.

The awesome folks at Adventurotica just started an Indiegogo campaign for a new novel called “The Golden Mask”. The book trailer they’ve put together is amazing, you need to watch it just for the epic background music.

If you’ve never read any of Adventurotica’s work, you’re really missing out. Go to their samples page and fix that! I’m reading Sky Pirates of the Rio Grande right now, and it’s fantastic. When I’m finished I’ll be posting a review here. While I can’t comment on the last 1/5 of the book just yet, the previous 4/5 are full of gloriously ridiculous action scenes and hot, hot sex.

Go donate, you’ll be helping awesome people and they have some pretty sweet perks. You could get your very own wanted poster!

 

Goddammit, I’m just a fucking nerd. I’m not more worthy of respect just because I like being on the non-pointy end of the knife. I’m not more important because I like getting my way. I’m not some sort of superior being because hurting people gets me off.

It drives me absolutely crazy that some people seem to think doms deserve special treatment just because they woke up one morning and decided to call themselves dominant. Newsflash: anyone can call themselves dominant. They could be a 22 year old who got into the scene last week. They could be 37 and still living in their parents’ basement. They could be a predator who figured out that kinky people are even less likely than non-kinky people to go the cops if they’ve been abused. They could be a role player who enjoys making up elaborate fantasy scenarios (not to knock elaborate fantasy scenarios, which can be awesome) but has no interest in doing any of that stuff in real life.

The label ‘dominant’ doesn’t tell you anything about the person behind it. It doesn’t tell you whether they’re reliable, whether they’re honorable, whether their electricity got cut off for a week because they couldn’t get it together to pay the bill, whether their life is one crisis after another, or whether they’re even the age and gender their profile says they are.

I’m sure it’s hot to imagine that all doms are effortlessly commanding, astonishingly good looking, and always in complete control of themselves and everything around them, but I’m afraid I have to rain on your parade. We’re just people.

Sure, I’m a mighty dom, but I’m also someone who can’t keep a houseplant alive. Once I even killed a cactus. Four of my five moves in the last six years were because I suck at picking apartments (you would think I’d learn that cheap apartments are cheap for a reason). If I had to do without reminders in my outlook calendar and on my phone, I would never show up on time for an appointment ever again. I make grandiose plans about what I’m going to accomplish over the weekend, then spent the whole time fucking around playing facebook games and reading through the entire backlog of The Oatmeal. I’ve let myself be led around by my (purely figurative) dick for the sake of a few hours of play. Prior to the ridiculously adorable boyfriend, I had a string of bad relationships caused by combinations of wishful thinking and my inability to tell the difference between people I should be friends with and people I should try to pursue a romantic relationship with. I have a vicious temper. I’m mean to stupid people for sport (okay, so I’m not really sorry about that one). I’m a grammar and spelling snob to the point of being ableist. I’m extremely judgmental and refuse to change my mind about people once I’ve decided I don’t like them. If someone makes me really angry I will never, ever, let it go. And I’m a shitty housekeeper to boot 🙂

Tell me again how I deserve special treatment just because I’m a dom.

I’ll admit a lack of skill is harder for a dom than a sub to get away with, but that absolutely does not mean that doms are magically worthy of more respect than subs. If anything it means we oh-so-special doms aren’t paying enough attention to the differences in skill levels between bottoms.

It’s also dehumanizing to put me on a pedestal without knowing anything about me. It’s not flattering to know that your fantasies are more important to you than the person you’re projecting them on. If you respect my writing, great! If you’ve seen me play and liked what you saw, fantastic! But if all you know about me is that the role on my fetlife profile starts with a ‘d’ instead of an ‘s’, for god’s sake put your fantasies aside for a minute and treat me like a human being. One last time: doms are not special.

One of many things that drives me straight up a fucking wall is the asshats who insist on posting personal ads along the lines of “I’m a young, very obedient sub looking for a mistress to call me hers.” in FetLife groups that say very clearly in the rules (you know, that bit you have to scroll past to get to the ‘Join this Group’ button?) that personal ads are not allowed.

Honestly, what the fuck do these people think the word obedient means? Clearly it doesn’t mean “Complying or willing to comply with orders or requests”. I guess it must mean “is turned on by the idea of submitting, but just isn’t that interested in anyone else’s needs.”

To digress a little, I realize identifying as submissive is a personal choice and no-one else can tell you whether you fundamentally are or are not submissive, but what other people can say is that you’re so bad at it that they don’t care what you are as long as you stay well away from them. Just like identifying as heterosexual, homosexual, or just sexual in general doesn’t mean you’re any good in bed, identifying as submissive doesn’t mean that you’re any good at it. Bottoming and submitting are skills, and it is possible to suck at them.

Back at my main point, it’s maddening to see man after man completely ignore the clearly stated rules of a group. What’s even worse is when some moron inevitably gets all butthurt about how the dominant women of the group are so terribly mean to all the men who make innocent mistakes, but they seem to be fine with dominant women showing up and making total asses of themselves.

It’s actually quite rare for a dominant woman to show up and act like an assclown. Because it’s rare, people tend to react with bafflement before they move on to utter disdain. Unfortunately, it’s not at all rare for ‘submissive’ men to ignore the clearly stated rules of the group and completely disrespect the women they claim to revere. Because it’s so common, everyone’s ability to be compassionate with clueless newbies just wears away. Pro tip: ignoring simple rules because you’re so much more important than all of the group members who just want to have a civil conversation is the opposite of attractive to dominant women.

Even when we try to be nice and gently explain that posting a personal ad in a no personal ads group isn’t likely to attract any women, these children whine and cry about how we obviously want them to never find a mistress and die alone. When there’s no way to win, we just stop trying.

Yes, we do come down harder on the fifth man this week to completely ignore the rules than we do on the rare women who do it. No, I’m not sorry. I’ll make you all a deal: you try being smarter, and I’ll try being nicer.

Every once in a while some random idiot will find me on FetLife, send me a message full of spelling errors, text speak, and grammar mistakes a fifth grader would be ashamed of, and then get all butthurt about how I didn’t spell out exactly how I want to be addressed in my profile when I point out that writing like that makes him look stupid.

Suck it up, you whiny little children. If you have to be told to spell “you” with all three letters, you’re not worth the trouble of updating my profile. I simply can’t be bothered to put any effort into making things easier for people who think it’s okay to spell like inebriated apes. Since there’s precisely zero chance of us getting along anyway, why on earth would I inconvenience myself? It actually saves me time when I find out that people are idiots right away. And idiots? It saves you time too. With the way you little shits whine and cry about how women lead you on and then don’t put out, shouldn’t you be happy to find out right away that I think you’re a waste of space?

It’s not as if the kind of morons who think it’s okay to use text speak when they’re at a full keyboard would read instructions for contacting me anyway. I could put “don’t use text speak when you message me” in huge, red letters that sparkle and dance across the screen on my profile, and idiots would still ask “how r u?” Plastering my profile with dos and don’t for contacting me would just make me look like a whiner.

People also whine about how I’m such a Meanie McPoopyhead as though it’s some kind of surprise. I have an entire blog dedicated to making fun of stupid people. An entire blog! What kind of moron expects the woman who wrote “Where’s your tiara, princess?”  to be all sweetness and light to someone who can’t be bothered to write complete sentences?

I think it’s the kind of moron who is too fucking lazy to look for clues about how to address someone (and there are plenty of them out there. Try looking at any single one of the thousands of threads about how to approach dominant women) and wants everything spoon fed to him. Now there’s a selling point on talking with someone: “I’m too lazy to think for myself, so you should spell everything out for me so I can ignore it and whine about how terribly demanding you are”. How about you just fuck off? The scene has plenty of idiots, we don’t need you.