“Scared that I’m not a good femdom”

Whoever found my blog with the search terms “scared that im not a good femdom. help?” I just want to hug you and tell you you’re okay.

First of all, it’s completely normal to be scared that you’re not good at this, scared that you never will be, scared that you’ll hurt someone by accident, scared that you’ll disappoint your partner, scared that you’ll never find a partner, scared that no one will ever take you seriously as a dom or a thousand other things. Anyone who tells you they’ve never doubted themselves, never felt uncertain, never made a mistake is a lying liar who lies. Or a narcissist with no capacity for self-reflection. If you doubt yourself sometimes, all that means is that you’re a decent human being who cares about your partner.

Seriously, every last one of us feels like a total dork sometimes. Nobody is magically good at this the first time they try it, it takes practice to feel comfortable taking charge. Some people get that practice in different ways, some people start much earlier than others by bossing their childhood playmates around, but literally everyone has to practice before they’re good at running the show.

Also, it’s really, really common for d-types to hate feeling or appearing vulnerable. There’s this pervasive myth that “real” doms never doubt themselves and always know exactly what to do, so when (not if) we do feel uncertain or scared, we try to live up to the myth by hiding our feelings. I do that too, even though I know it’s unhelpful for a bunch of different reasons (but that, of course, is a whole other blog post). Where this relates to new doms feeling like they suck at being doms is that they end up comparing themselves to people who they think always know exactly what they’re doing, but those people are actually just hiding it when they feel uncertain. New doms end up trying to live up to this impossible standard because it can be really hard to find experienced doms who are willing to admit they fuck up sometimes and don’t always know what they’re doing.

Another thing that can make things tough for new doms is not having the experience to know whether you just need more practice or whether you’re not compatible with the person you’re playing with. Being a good dom is kind of like being a good roomate – it’s not an absolute thing. Just because you’re a great roomate for one person doesn’t mean you wouldn’t end up wanting to throttle each other if you lived with someone else. It’s handy to have a bit of experience and a few basic skills, but being a good dom for any given person is more about compatibility with that particular person and being able to explain what you want than it is about whether or not you’re objectively a “good dom.”

If things just don’t work with someone, it might not be anyone’s fault. The two of you might just want different things. There’s an enormous range of ways to be kinky, and as common as it is to assume that any two kinky people are compatible with each other it’s just not true. Maybe you’re a low protocol, easy going dom who is happy with any meal you didn’t cook yourself (like me!), but maybe your sub loves high protocol and feels hurt and ignored every time you don’t notice when he gets everything just so or don’t punish him when he makes some tiny mistake (one of my big fears as a dom). Maybe you want to work toward a total power exchange style relationship and your partner only wants that level of intensity a couple of weekends a year. Maybe you like sensual domination and your partner is a super heavy duty masochist. Nobody’s wrong in any of those situations, but it’s very easy to feel like you’re failing your partner when the two of you aren’t compatible.

Just like taking charge takes practice, giving up control does too. Some people aren’t very good at that, but when things don’t work they don’t want to admit it could be their fault, so they lash out and blame the dom for not somehow magically making them good at submission. It’s really common for men in particular to struggle with submission, and given the way men are usually raised they have some very good reasons for having trouble with it, but it’s still not fair to blame the dom when it’s you who can’t or won’t submit.

Finally, the d/s dynamic (or in fact any non d/s relationship dynamic you might have with your partner) is incredibly fragile. If both of you don’t hold up your end, there’s no way for a relationship to work. One of my very favourite posts, and one I wish had been around when I was first getting into the scene is When your submissive says ‘no’ by Ferns. Seriously, if you skip the entire rest of this post, please read Ferns’ post. I spent years thinking that I must not be a real dom because I didn’t know what I’d do if my submissive said no to me. I bought into the myth that real doms always knows exactly what to do too, so don’t feel bad if you got sucked in.

Readers, do you have any advice for new doms who are worried they’re not any good at it?

4 thoughts on ““Scared that I’m not a good femdom”

  1. 1) You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. The only thing that you have to prove to yourself is that you love who you are.
    2) You will be too much for some and not enough for others. It doesn’t matter. If you have to courage to keep looking, you just might find someone for whom you are fucking perfect.
    3) Go slow. Have fun. Laugh. You can always do more tomorrow, but you will never be able to do less.

    • That is excellent advice. Anyone who expects you to prove you’re a “real dom” is a douchebag trying to manipulate you, and going slowly and having fun with it never harmed anyone.

  2. If you look at Tumblr, and probably all over Fetlife, you’ll see plenty of male submissives posting about the perfect heartless Domme. She always knows what you want, how you need to be treated and exactly what to do to bring you helplessly to your knees.

    Femdom fiction is chocked full of this type of all knowing, never failing Goddess of kink. I’ll admit to even writing about her myself in some of my stories. I try to make my stores realistic but the fantasy is hard to resist.

    The fact is, in real life, she doesn’t exist.

    Real dominants and real submissives are just people. People can’t read minds, aren’t psychic (no matter what the Long Island Psychic says) and don’t instinctively know how to push your buttons. This is why communication is SO vital to any BDSM activity. Never assume you know what’s going on in someone else’s head. Talk to them, ask them what they liked about the scene. Talk about fantasies, but realistic and unrealistic, and get into each other’s heads.

    I’m not trying to suggest this is easy. In fact it can be more difficult than talking about sex in a vanilla relationship in some ways. Dominants and submissives often have feelings and desires that can be embarrassing to put into words.

    This is why, as Tomio said, you should start out slow with small acts of D/s. Feel each other out, learn to trust each other. I know the temptation is to go straight to your hardcore fantasies now that you’ve found the partner of your dreams but it can often ruin things for everyone.

    If your partner doesn’t ask tell them what you liked about a scene. I loved it when you held me and spanked me at the same time. I loved the way you teased me when you had me at your feet and next time you do that feel free to push it just a little further.

    Personally I would never tell a dominant to do something again. I don’t feel it’s my place as a submissive. However, I do feel it’s fine to say how much I enjoyed something and let them know that, if they want, they can do that again to me and maybe even go further.

    D/s is a partnership and both players have to contribute fully in order for it to work really well. be brave, allow yourself to fail and you’ll both get better at it.

    • Real dominants and real submissives are just people. People can’t read minds, aren’t psychic (no matter what the Long Island Psychic says) and don’t instinctively know how to push your buttons

      Ha! Long island psychic aside, reading people takes practice and not everyone is ever going to be amazing at it,

      I’m not trying to suggest this is easy. In fact it can be more difficult than talking about sex in a vanilla relationship in some ways. Dominants and submissives often have feelings and desires that can be embarrassing to put into words.

      So very true.

      Personally I would never tell a dominant to do something again. I don’t feel it’s my place as a submissive.

      I’m not sure about the phrasing not your place as a submissive, but I completely agree that it’s a dick move to agree that someone else is in charge, then try to order them around.

      However, I do feel it’s fine to say how much I enjoyed something and let them know that, if they want, they can do that again to me and maybe even go further.

      Yes! Telling a new dom what they did well and that you’d like to do it again is one of the best things you can do for her.

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