I keep seeing newbie submissive guys ask whether dominant women prefer men who are totally submissive to everyone in every part of their lives (doormats) or “alphas” who are super duper dominant in everyday life and wouldn’t dream of even considering submitting to any woman who hasn’t bested him in single combat. The answer to that question is very simple: NO.
No, I don’t want a doormat. No, I don’t want someone who I have to fight to get him to submit. NO.
What I want, and what it seems like many many many other dominant women want is a man who submits because of the personal connection he has with his dom. No doormats, but no fighting either. If you don’t want to submit, fine, there’s the door. If you fling your submission at every woman who comes within ten feet of you, I don’t want it.
There is absolutely no reason you have to bend yourself into a pretzel to try to attract a dom. Not only is it unlikely to get you anywhere, but trying to embody the doormat or alpha (god I hate that word) stereotype will very often actively repel the women you want to attract. You’re allowed to just be a person, guys. When you try to embody one of those stereotypes, I feel like you’re trying to cast me in the role of the fantasy dom counterpart whether I like it or not. That’s kind of a turn off.
My theory about where both of these stereotypes come from is, of course, porn. To be fair, instant submission because the dom is just that amazing is a hot fantasy. So is breaking down the captured warrior and forcing him to submit. Just like being a world famous rockstar or actor is a fun fantasy that would probably be terrible in real life, instant submission and forced submission just don’t work in everyday life.
I mean, let’s think this through. For starters, I’m a person. I have bad days and make mistakes and get sick and I’m just not “on” all the time. I need someone who will let me know if he thinks I’m making a mistake – letting me do something stupid because I’m the dom is unhelpful and just unkind. Just like you’d tell your partner if she had something in her teeth, you should be able to tell her that you think she’s making a mistake. If I did something that turned out badly and later found out that my husband knew it was a bad idea but didn’t say anything about it, I’d be pissed off. Partners are supposed to help each other, not stand around and watch the other person fail.
In case you’ve fallen into the trap of assuming submissive behaviour is a binary of perfect obedience on one end and open defiance on the other, that’s just not true. Guys, there is an enormous amount of room between “Yes ma’am” and “That’s fucking stupid, do it this way.” How about “Hey Stabbity, I think if you do x, y will happen. What do you think of doing z instead?” or “Wait a sec, let me help you with that” or even “I’m convinced this is a bad idea and we need to talk about it.” Questioning your dom is not automatically unsubmissive (and if she says it is that’s a huge red flag you should be very concerned about) and is not automatically disrespectful.
As for the forced submission fantasy, that would be exhausting in real life. I want someone to want to submit to me, I have no interest in fighting them on every little thing. Again, I have bad days and make mistakes and get sick and I’m just not “on” all the time. I do not have it in me to fight someone to submit every time I need something done. This is really the other side of the same unhelpful coin as the doormat submissive – partners help each other, they don’t make everything a battle. While I’m totally willing to earn someone’s submission, I want to do that by showing I’m an honorable person who can be trusted to look out for my submissive’s best interests, not by fighting them for everything. If you put up enough of a fight for long enough, I’m going to assume you’re not ready to submit yet and cut you loose until you are.
To be fair, unquestioning obedience and resistance aren’t absolutely always terrible either. Nuance, it’s good for you 🙂 Sometimes I really do want someone to just do what I fucking told him. For me personally, that’s going to be on low-stakes stuff like making me dinner. If it’s something that could have long term fallout I definitely want my submissive’s opinion. And sometimes resistance play is a lot of fun. If it’s just for a scene and it’s what everyone signed up for, have fun!
The best submissive you can be is the one you naturally are, not the one you have to fake being. Doms are people, we want actual people as partners, not stereotypes. Relax guys, you’re fine the way you are.