Women don’t enjoy sex. Really, not a single one of us. We just don’t like it.

I’ll wait for a minute now while the people who know me well clean their drinks off their monitors.

 

 

All done? Good. Sorry about that, I owe you a drink 🙂

Like I was saying, there’s a stupid idea out there that women don’t like sex (also that all men want sex all of the time, but that’s another rant). It would be nice if the kink community was beyond that, but clearly we’re not. Take for example, the idea that real dominant women never allow anyone to penetrate them, because clearly being penetrated is a submissive act, and of course, women don’t like sex.

If women don’t like sex, then the only reason to have sex is to please a man. If you’re a dominant woman then that reason goes out the window, leaving all the “true” doms with almost no motivation to ever allow a lowly submissive man to use his cock to make her feel good. God forbid one of us should ever give a blowjob, we’d be forced to hand in our dom cards immediately.

There is one reason a good, sex-hating female dom would grudgingly tolerate sexual relations with the delicious submissive man who makes incredibly hot little sounds when she bites him: to reward him for doing the dishes. Because if she wants her man to make himself useful, clearly she has to trade sex for it. No, I’m not sure how that’s better than directly exchanging sex for money and then hiring a maid either.

There are two big reasons reasons I hate the idea that sexual activities should be doled out in small amounts only as a reward for service.

1) If the only reason your partner pulls his weight around the house is because he won’t get any otherwise, your relationship has bigger problems than kink can solve. If you try to sell your girlfriend/wife on complicated kinky activities by saying it’ll make you a better partner, she’s liable to wonder “What’s in it for me that I shouldn’t already be getting from my partner?“

2) I like control. If my partner can ‘purchase’ sex at any time by completing a certain number of chores, that takes control away from me. Tom Allen has another especially good post about this particular issue (okay, I’m kind of a Tom Allen fangirl): Time and Punishment: Some dynamics of male chastity in marriage.

To state issue 2 another way: what happens if I want to have sex before he’s finished re-tiling the bathroom? Should I go without because it’s somehow un-domly to give him a treat for no reason? If upholding an arbitrary rule is more important than meeting my needs, then I’m not in control.

I’m also not in control if I can’t enjoy whichever sex acts I want to because some of them are somehow inherently submissive. If you think about that for just a few seconds, it’s obviously complete crap. To use blowjobs as an example, being in control of what sensation your partner feels and how long it lasts is, um, being in control. I’m really not sure how to make than any clearer. Also, I *love* reactions. Giving head gets fantastic reactions, which makes it fun for me even though my genitals aren’t directly being stimulated. Cocks are simply fun to play with – I can’t explain why, I just really like playing with them.

Of course, a giving blowjob can just as easily be a submissive act when it’s done with the intent of pleasing the blow-ee. Intent is far more important than the action being taken.

So where do we get the ridiculous idea that an act can be submissive regardless of the intent behind it? From the idea that dominance is masculine and submission is feminine. If women are submissive by default, then dominant women have to compensate by being extra shouty and domineering if they want to be seen as dominant. If men are expected never to show weakness, then dominant women can’t ever need a hug and still be in charge. If dominance is masculine and being penetrated is feminine, then dominant women somehow magically lose their dominance when they get penetrated. If a dominant woman insists on having penetrative sex, then she has to at least be on top.

Fuck that noise. The position I have sex in most often is missionary. Why? Because that’s the easiest way for me to get off. Because it’s hot to feel my partner’s muscles work to give me pleasure (so very, very hot). Because it’s comfortable. Because it’s easier to bite my partner’s shoulders that way. Because putting his head next to mine means I get to hear every little noise he makes.

Because I like it, and my pleasure is more important than upholding some stupid stereotype.

My friend weezie wrote me a guest post, yay! This is purely weezie’s opinion, but I thoroughly agree with it. Weezie is more d/s focused than I am, but it’s still frustrating to me that femdom is so often depicted as being all about dicks and the things you are or aren’t doing to them. I like dicks as much as the next person (probably more), but there is actually more to kink. At least, I want to believe there’s more to kink than that.

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Is it just me, or does the typical FemDom presence on the planet seem shallow and cheap?

You’d be hard pressed to find a single collection of images, interviews, articles, or books that doesn’t make the cock (artifical or otherwise) the central star of the story. When did everything become about dicks and not about d/s? I’ll agree that kink is indeed about sexual energy, but that doesn’t mean that everything has to be focused on wangs. And yes, chastity devices still count as focusing on wangs. Quite heavily in fact.

I think we can all agree that FemDom porn is particularly terrible. I’d say the majority of it actually depicts topping-from-the-bottom, and that makes porn particularly easy to pick on. But it’s not just porn that’s suffering from this. It seems the obsession with sex is infecting people and personalities too. Conversations always seem to revolve around bedroom activities. When any sort of submissive activities are brought up (say, washing the car) it’s always referenced in terms of sexual punishment/reward that would follow from such an activity. Why? WHY?!

Maybe it’s just me. I’m into personal connections. Personal meaning within kink. Adoration, submission, and finding pleasure in that. Sex is nice too, but I get all mushy inside when I see people loving each other. Want to see my favorite pornographic image of all time? Shield thine eyes, it’s pretty HARD CORE:

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lmx0owRZuk1qa0fqho1_500.jpg

(Thanks to Dishevelled Domina’s tumblr feed – which is all about cocks ironically enough)

Bam. That image conveys more meaning, more comfort, and more submission than a visceral image of a pain-slut getting wax dripped on his cock and “hating” it.

I think the argument goes something like this: If a submissive is willing to take a dozen lashings, or engage in CBT, or even go into an orgasm-denial full-time-relationship, that “proves” the submissive loves his partner and is willing to devote his body and life to her.

News flash: HE PROBABLY LIKES THOSE THINGS. See that stiff cock in all of those circumstances?? Do Dominants really truly believe it’s all about them and not about his dick? Does he cuddle? Does he nuzzle their neck without prompting? Does he respect and devote time to you when sex isn’t on the table? Can he hold an intelligent conversation???

Sigh. Maybe I’m just a bit frustrated. I do know it’s incredibly hard to find anyone that even understands what I’m talking about here, never mind agree or be able to discuss it. Maybe I just need a new word – “FemDom” seems broken.

There’s a very clear dress and behavior code for dominant women and I hate it so much that I made the tagline of my blog ‘And I’ll play wearing fuzzy slippers if I damned well want to!’

If you’ve ever watched any female dominant porn, looked at a prodom’s website, or generally not lived under a rock for the past few years, you know the dress code consists of:

high spiky heels
skin tight clothing
a corset
a scowl (very important)

No matter how often people tell me they think knee-high black leather boots with 4 inch spike heels look great and turn them on, I simply don’t feel very toppy when my feet hurt and my footing is uncertain. You try throwing a flogger when you’re worried about falling over on your ass and tell me how confident you feel.

The dress code for dominant women has nothing to do with what actually makes those women feel toppy, and everything to do with porn producers trying to appeal to straight men. This image of female domination actively turns women away from the idea of kink because so very few women can actually relate to it.

The behavior code is even worse. Not only am I expected to dress up in uncomfortable clothing I don’t necessarily like, but I can’t even appear to have fun dominating someone. In most porn (at least, most porn that I’ve seen), the dom treats the sub with utter disdain, referring to him as a pathetic little worm who isn’t worthy of fucking her. It appears to be a trial for the dom to even be in the same room as the sub.

How is that hot? And why on earth would I bother playing with someone if I didn’t think he was worthy of me? Again, this presentation of submissive men as worthless and disgusting turns women away from kink. It took me years to figure out that I was dominant because I couldn’t make a connection between myself and these women who didn’t even appear to like the people they were dominating.

Until I started reading forums frequented by actual dominant women with lives and hobbies and real affection for their partners, I never realized that it was possible to be a dominant woman who actually liked her partner, and dressed in what she felt comfortable in, and didn’t spend all day barking orders at everyone around her.

As ranty as this post is, it’s actually meant to be a message of hope for all the women out there nurturing a secret interest in kink. You can do this too. You can do it your way – you don’t have to look a certain way, dress a certain way, act a certain way to be allowed to play. Kink is not just for people who are taller than you, thinner than you, more conventionally attractive than you.

You don’t have to play any particular way either. Your kink still counts if you don’t want to beat people bloody. Your kink still counts if sometimes you like to beat people bloody and sometimes you like to be more gentle. Your kink still counts if you like to laugh while you play. Your kink still counts if you like to make your partner laugh while you play. Your kink still counts if you like doing things that your partner likes too.

Kink is for everyone, dammit!