Bad Advice

Not so long ago a very sweet vanilla woman posted on Fetlife asking for relationship advice – her husband is submissive and wants her to dominate him, but kink just doesn’t really do it for her. She loves her husband and wants him to be happy, but she’s struggling.

Most people had useful advice for her (the usual talk with your husband, figure out what he really means when he says he wants to submit, see if you can enjoy some kinks for how much they turn him on, even if they don’t really do it for you), and some people had incredibly shitty, self-centered, and completely unrealistic advice.

If someone is already uncomfortable with kink, telling her to try “really taking control” by denying her husband an orgasm for longer than usual is the exact opposite of helpful. Seriously, the only thing I can think of that would actually be less helpful would be to tell the poor woman she’s obviously not a dom and should give up on the whole kink idea.

Another man, who was clearly thinking with his dick, first gave the not-so-terrible advice of going along with her husband’s plan to try switching (him taking the dominant role while she submits) which could have given her a better idea what her husband wanted, but unfortunately followed it up with another comment suggesting she perform a scene he outlined (in detail, because obviously the problem is that she doesn’t have enough people telling her what to do) without any thought to whether the original poster or her husband would be remotely interested in it.

The whole debacle made me think of this comment of Dev’s on a post of maymay’s titled “‘Finally! Something that speaks to dominant women!’ they said”

“It drives me nuts that every enquiry or discussion about femdom is about how to make it hotter to submissive men – as though that is the problem with femdom, that submissive men don’t find it hot enough. It’s crazy.

I don’t mean to imply that men (submissive or otherwise) are so easy they just find any old thing hot. That’s just a pernicious stereotype. They are actually, surprise, people, and all like different things, and need to work just as hard as others to figure out their own preferences.

But, generally speaking, the complaint of submissive men is that there aren’t enough dominant women, or that their own partner won’t dominate them. And the solution to that is adamantly not “Let’s figure out exactly what’s hot to the man and do more of that.” If you don’t make it hotter to women, they won’t play.

Not every woman is going to enjoy being dominant anyway. We have our own sexualities too. But for a woman who might, or could, or does enjoy being dominant, it has to be based on what’s in it for her. Otherwise she’s just doing you a favor, which is fine, but then at least don’t make her lie about it, please.”

Maymay’s post and Dev’s comment are both from 2008, but they’re just as relevant today as they were five years ago. I think the last line in particular does a lot to explain why so many submissive men complain about not being able to get their partners to dominate them.  If you tell someone you want her to be in charge and do whatever she wants to do, then tell her exactly what to do, when to do it, and what to wear while she’s doing it, it’s not going to take her long to figure out that you don’t actually want her to be in charge at all. No wonder vanilla women get confused and unhappy when they try to “dominate” their submissive boyfriends! Not only are they expected to do all these weird activities they don’t enjoy, but they’re supposed to somehow feel like they’re in charge when they’re actually doing exactly what they’re told, and they constantly feel like failures as doms because they haven’t uncovered some magical wellspring of lust for activities that just don’t do it for them.

Submissive guys, you can bitch about how few dominant women there are, or you can keep acting like the entire scene revolves around your cock, but you don’t get to do both. For people who supposedly worship women, some of you have remarkably little interest in what it is we want.

6 thoughts on “Bad Advice

  1. “you’re in charge, command me, do whatever you want”

    Right. You there! Wash those dishes. Do the laundry. Now, cook my dinner. Why isn’t my electric blanket on? Hand over that paycheck! Lose some weight! Don’t just stand there, clean something! Now get out of the way, I can’t see the television.

    Oh, you mean sexually dominate you? Why didn’t you say so?

  2. “For people who supposedly worship women, some of you have remarkably little interest in what it is we want.”

    Aye, there’s the rub.

    There are men who genuinely worship women and for whom submission offers blessed release from the vast prison that patriarchy has built for men and women alike, and there are men who have about as much insight into their inner selves as a two-year-old on the verge of a temper tantrum.

    As a man, it shames me to say it, but it’s not so much the shortage of good doms that’s the problem. It’s the surfeit of immature, emotionally illiterate arseholes.

  3. OMG, YES!!
    I really get annoyed by this. It’s one more round of “women are here for men” and obviously the only reason a woman would dominate a man is for his pleasure.

    Keep saying it, maybe the message will get through some day.

  4. I hope I’m not off topic here, but this post brings something into sharp focus for me.

    I am a submissive man and there is someone that I would have loved to have dominate me, but she just had no interest. There was no reason to wheedle, whine, cajole, or try to “make her see” how much fun it would be. She’s just not into it. So now what?

    The D/s aspect was removed from the equation, and it was the right thing to do because maintaining the relationship was the most important thing. We are not as close as we once were, (her choice) but we are still dear friends and it always remain that way.

    I care about her very much, so the kink is not as important as having her there. I realize that it may not be a popular way to look at it, (or even on topic) but that’s my personal point of view.

  5. I admire your strength for giving up your own personal desires for her. It is sad to know it didn’t work out for the two of you. I encourage you to keep looking for a dominant woman because there are many of us out there. I was reluctant at first but once I gave it a try I fell in love with it. Some people just need to be more open minded in this world. Good luck to you. Great post! I totally agree that mean need to stop thinking we are put here for there pleasures.

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