Cheating, it’s just so boring

Or, more bitching about particularly stupid threads on Fetlife. The latest one is about “discreet” sub/dom relationships. I’ll spare you the original poster’s terrible English and summarize it here:

He’s yet another married man whose Madonna/whore complex means he “can’t” talk with his wife about kink, and wants us all to give him permission to cheat on her. Because hiding things from her is totally cool as long as he doesn’t actually put his dick in another woman. Oh, and this is all strictly theoretical. Pay no attention to how very very attached he is to the idea that this theoretical sub can somehow ethically cheat on his theoretical wife, and how suspiciously defensive he gets when people point out that hiding things like that from your wife is cheating. Nope, nope, this is just an interesting discussion and he has no idea why everyone is being such jerks about the idea of him shitting all over his marriage vows.

Sigh. First of all, if you’re hiding an intimate relationship from your spouse, then congrats! You’re cheating. Maybe it’s the least terrible option in your situation, maybe it’s not, but don’t kid yourself. It’s cheating.

Second, the whole “please give me permission to cheat” thing is just so goddamn boring. Really, it never occurred to you that a Fetlife group full of women and men who actually do love women might not be delighted when you ask for our blessings to cheat on your wife? Or that this question hasn’t been asked over, and over, and over? Seriously, it’s very nearly as overdone as the good old “Where do I find a dom?” and “How can I tell a woman is a dom without asking her like a grownup?” questions.

Guys, if you have to ask random people on Fetlife to tell you it’s okay to cheat, you know damned well it’s not okay. If you believed you were totally in the right, you would never have bothered to start a thread about it. Also, what the fuck? Even if you could convince a bunch of people you’ve never met to tell you it’s A-okay to cheat, why would that matter? Do you think that your wife will feel less betrayed when she finds out if you can show her a thread full of people saying “go ahead and cheat”?

For that matter, do you think these theoretical people saying it’s fine to cheat are going to help you convince anyone to help you cheat? I hate to break it to you, but the words of a bunch of random people on Fetlife are not going to convince me that it’s ethical to help you break a promise you made to your wife. Even if you’re one of the rare few people who might actually be justified in cheating*, your Fetlife thread isn’t going to make me want any part of the inevitable drama or the being treated like a dirty little secret.

*Situations that might justify cheating include but are not limited to: your wife both being unwilling to discuss you getting your kinky needs met elsewhere and having a disability that doesn’t allow her to support herself, or a medical condition that she needs your health insurance to manage, or very small children, or an ailing parent she has to care for. However, you can’t know she’s unwilling to discuss your kinks unless you fucking try! For all you know, the theoretical woman who is dependent on your care may feel more secure, not less, if you can get your kink on without leaving her. At the very least, she deserves the chance to say “I know it’s going to suck, but I’d rather get divorced than pretend I don’t know you’re cheating.”

While I do believe that in those situations cheating is probably a less terrible option than divorce, for practical reasons I’m not particularly likely to want any part of it. For starters, how am I supposed to verify that a guy has a “good enough” reason to cheat without meeting his wife? From the outside, “my wife understands but doesn’t want to meet you” looks an awful lot like “my wife has no idea what’s going on and would be devastated if she found out”. And since I’m a shitty liar, how am I supposed to talk with his wife without her figuring out that something is up? Even if I could somehow be really really sure that everything he was telling me about his situation was true I still wouldn’t be interested in constantly worrying that his wife would find out, or in managing the drama when she did find out, or in being hidden away from the rest of his life as though he’s ashamed of me.

And finally, the whole Madonna/whore thing is just pathetic. If you really loved your wife you would embrace all of her, not neuter her and put her on a pedestal. Yeah, yeah, kink is nasty and dirty and you just couldn’t expose her to your dirty nasty dirtiness. Alternately, you could give her a chance to make her own choices about *gasp* sex instead of making the decision for her like she’s a child. You’re not protecting her, you’re protecting yourself. At least be honest about it. You’re scared she’ll reject you, so you want to go behind her back instead of talking to her like a grownup. I get that it’s scary to consider your wife freaking out and demanding a divorce, but it’s pretty fucking insulting to assume that she’s so close minded that she would throw away years of marriage because you want to get a little freaky now and then.

14 thoughts on “Cheating, it’s just so boring

  1. Your powerless whining about men makes me laugh. We cheat when we get bored with women like you. You’re generally solipsistic and it becomes very easy to decieve someone so self involved and assured of her own superiority. Enjoy your cats and loneliness.

    You will always be inferior to men, we will always do what we want, and there’s nothing you can do about it but whine and complain. Only the emotionally weak and ugly men will ever really listen to you, but the men you really want are going to keep doing what we always do.

    • So what you’re saying here is that I hit a nerve? It’s okay sweetie, I’m sure the woman who hurt you was a great big poopyhead.

    • …So, men who actually keep their commitments – even if it means resisting temptation – are “emotionally weak”?

      What an interesting view. And by “interesting” I mean “transparent attempt at rationalizing your own weakness.”

    • Also, guess what? I’m poly. Instead of making false promises to a partner and then sneaking around behind their back because I’m scared of getting in trouble, I tell all suitors that I will be dating and fucking other people and it’s non-negotiable.

      I win!

  2. I am amazed by the vast intelligence shown in your attack response towards the blogger! I am in awe of such greatness! I mean to respond to a post with the argument of attacking the blogger is so original!!!
    First, the only thing inferior on this page is your lack of maturity and intelligence! I am astonished that you even knew how to spell solipsistic. Men and women cheat on their partners not out of boredom but because that person lacks the integrity and courage to face the issues in the relationship. People cheat because they lack morals, integrity, and ethics.
    “emotionally weak and ugly men..” You apparently must fall into that category since you are spending your free time going onto blogs attacking people personally because that is the closest you can actually get to any pussy.
    I love to see asshole men like you treat women like garbage like this because it just reinforces my lifestyle. No dickhead she won’t be approached by weak ugly men she will be swept off her feet by some man or woman who truly deserves her while you spend your nights spanking your monkey alone in the dark.

    *peace out!*


    *P.S I dare you come visit my blog because lesbians like I am love to eat dirt bags like you for breakfast!

  3. Oh, the temptation to feed the troll. Fine. Hi, troll! You’re a reprehensible human being. Now that’s out of the way, I’m going to move on to responding to the actual post.

    From the perspective of a dedicated nonmonogamous person, cheating is fucking awful. Completely unacceptable, and can only harm any and all relationships a person has. If kink or polyamory or whatever something a person needs to be happy, great. Tell the wife. She may be horrified. She may be intrigued. She’s pretty well guaranteed to be pissed that this guy married her without bothering to mention it, there may well be fights and a lot of explaining about what BDSM means to this person, in this context. But if someone can’t even have that conversation with the person he married, he’s denying her the option of either granting or denying the relationship need. That’s just a flat refusal to treat her as a person. If you have to resort to deceit to keep a marriage going, it’s not really working at all.

    • That’s just a flat refusal to treat her as a person.

      Yes! That’s exactly what makes me so angry. The wife here deserves the chance to make an informed decision about how her marriage is going to work. Maybe she’d like to explore kink herself but was afraid her husband would think she was a dirty perverted slut if she brought it up on her own, maybe she’d be horrified and end up preferring divorce to letting him see a pro-dom now and then. Either way she deserves the chance to make her own decision, not to be lied to like a child who’s too young to understand why Grandma doesn’t visit anymore.

  4. Articulated stated, and so very true. Marriage is about communication, and without that you’re cheating the marriage and the other person.
    My husband and I were (very-okay more he) vanilla, and monogamous. But communication and trust have certainly moved us more in some kinky areas that we never even considered before. I may say no, or he may, but we don’t know unless we communicate first, to each other.

    • I may say no, or he may, but we don’t know unless we communicate first, to each other.

      That’s another thing I find hugely frustrating about the whole ‘I can’t tell her, better I just quietly cheat’ thing. These guys always seem so sure that their wives have no idea whatsoever that they’re kinky, and simultaneously completely certain that their wives would never accept them being kinky. It’s like it never occurred to them that their wives might have their own secrets, or that they might know perfectly well what their husbands are up to but are fine with it so long it’s just online.

  5. “Guys, if you have to ask random people on Fetlife to tell you it’s okay to cheat, you know damned well it’s not okay. If you believed you were totally in the right, you would never have bothered to start a thread about it.”

    Yeah, file this one under “if you have to ask, you don’t have to ask.”

    “From the perspective of a dedicated nonmonogamous person, cheating is fucking awful. Completely unacceptable, and can only harm any and all relationships a person has.”

    Amen to this!

    I’ve been through this dance. I was married for six years to a woman with whom kink wouldn’t work (though that was hardly our only problem). I spent nearly four of those years trying to make something work with her before I bit the bullet and went for the divorce. It sucked and took months to resolve but what I regret is the years I wasted before I finally ended things rather than having finally ended things.

  6. Well spotted with the Madonna/whore complex.

    It amazes me when I read of the lengths some people go to, lying to their partners and lying to themselves. People come up with the weirdest rationalisations for cheating.

    Among cheaters who espouse female superiority blather, one can sometimes spot the quaint George Orwell derivative ‘All women are superior, but some women are more superior than others’.

    At present I hardly get around to commenting anywhere at all, but I still read entries on your blog, Stabbity. It’s awesome.

    • Aw, thanks 🙂

      The Madonna/whore thing is just so sad. If loving your wife means she’s not allowed to have sexual needs, well, that’s a mighty interesting definition of love.

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