I don’t know how to flirt, I act too masculine and scare men away. Femdom doesn’t solve the issue because I am very far from the common idea of domme – I identify a lot more with male dominants. Which just makes me feel twice as bad, it’s one thing to fail at being what vanilla men want, I even fail at being what submissive men want.
Society has very strict expectations for women, and it’s only more complicated when you add dominance to the mix. For starters, dominance itself is assumed to be masculine. To be dominant and a women is only acceptable to the extent that we turn submissive men on, and not at all acceptable if there aren’t any of them around.
And that’s even if we perform femininity “correctly”. God forbid we fail to be passive and receptive, to look fuckable at all times, and to always put men’s feelings first. Then no amount of hot, sexy dominance will make us anything but man-hating lesbians in the eyes of everyone around us.
Look at the way we describe women who take charge: pushy, bossy, bitch, man-eater, overbearing, domineering. Men get to be assertive or natural leaders, but women who act the exact same way somehow become unlovable freaks, destined to die alone and possibly get eaten by their many, many cats.
No wonder there are so few dominant women. Who wants to embrace a part of herself that she’s rightly worried will mean no one will ever love her for who she is?
Sadly, just being submissive doesn’t mean a man understands how restrictive society’s gender roles are for women (just because he thinks it’s hot when a woman he’s attracted to is assertive in just the right context, that doesn’t mean anyone else appreciates her), or make him secure enough in his masculinity to be able to deal with a woman who isn’t traditionally feminine, at least outside of the bedroom. Dominance is all well and good when it’s actively getting a man off, but what about submitting when the floor needs mopping and it’s not fun or sexy? Or when you’re tired and you just assume you can have a night off whenever you want one?
Or, and I realize this is kind of ridiculous and would never actually happen, but what if she’s not hot? What if she’s not tall, thin and pretty, with long hair and large breasts? What if, and now this is really out there, but what if she dresses or acts masculine? Do women who don’t look like Dominatrix Barbie get to be dominant too?
And that’s all just on the personal relationship level. What about telling your friends that you and your girlfriend started dating when she asked you out? What if they notice that you dress nicely to please her but she doesn’t dress up for you? Or that she doesn’t make excuses for it if she openly disagrees with you or outperforms you in some way?
With all the reasons even the most traditionally feminine dominant women have to feel like unlovable freaks, it’s a wonder any woman at all identifies as dominant.